NO INTEREST IN MARRIAGE FOR DEVOTEES? POINTS TO REVIEW!
Qn. In detail from a girl (Name hidden):
Hariom guru ji.. Guru ji plzz tell me those words that will heal my pain i know only krishna name can heal my all pains but for my ignorance plzz tell me some love words about krishna.. guru ji i m 20 yrs old.. nd my family is thinking for my wedding.. but guru ji i dont want to marry with any one bcz i accepted krishna as my husband only.. krishna is my life guru ji.. if my parents force me for marriage nd i will suicide is it right? I know that krishna saying that no to do suicide but guru ji i love krishna nd cant that love with any other human either a men or women even i m thinking that if my parents are not understanding me then i will sacrifice them.. but is it right bcz of all this i hurt my parents nd krishna said in gita that harm or hurt no one.. respect ur parents.. even ramayana also teach us that obey ur parents.. nd bcz i will hurt my parents will krishna happy me with me.. will krishna accept me?? I dont want to marry with a boy.. i learned from meera bai that krishna is the only true men.. nd yes for me krishna is the only true men.. what should i do.. ? I reallly dont want to marry with anyboy except krishna.. i accept krishna as my husband.. what should i do guru ji? Plz tell?
Of course, Krishna is the ONLY PURUSHA and we all are females. In one aspect, you can treat Krishna as your husband. But, it is not physical. It is the relation between soul and supersoul. Krishna is your soul mate. But, males and females are bodymates to manage the day to day affairs of life while cultivating the soulful relation with Krishna using this body. To keep this body balanced, a girl or boy may need a spouse. That’s all.
In the creation of living beings, Krishna has given two forms – male form and female form with matching organs and orientation. This means that Krishna wants a boy and girl marry and lead life.
I have already said that marriage is a private affair. A person has all rights to remain unmarried all their life time. However, if the reason is genuine, it is good.
(Is marriage and getting more children advised or not? READ HERE!)
You have written that you are afraid of marriage and have no interest in marriage. I do not know why you should fear for marriage. There may be anyone of the following reasons:
I have noticed that some devotees have no clear opinion about entering into marriage life. After enjoying the highest taste of Krishna Bhakti, some devotees start having no interest in marriage and all the material things. They even skip their marriage in haste but go on fighting between the senses and mind! But there should be a valid/ sound reason for skipping the marriage. It should not be in haste!
Let us see why some girls and boys have no interest in marriage:
(1) You or any of your relative girls/ boys might have failed in marriage life. If yes, remember, there are majority of successful marriages also. Think of them.
(2) Or, they may be struggling with quarrels in their life and it might have affected your psychology. There are majority of affectionate couples also in this world that you have to remember.
(HOW SHOULD A DEVOTEE TAKE IF HIS MARRIAGE ARRANGEMENT FAILS? READ HERE!)
(3) You may hate the modern trend of society, particularly the free moving culture of many youth, immorality among some married couples, easy splitting of some marriages, money minded grooms or brides, selecting girls based on financial background, beauty, etc… Remember, there are boys who have same principles like you. Look for him and marry.
(4) Any boy might have might have loved you and gone back in his love later that might have affected your heart. So, you may have no interest in marriage. (Just one of the possible options, not necessarily). If this is the case, remember this world is wide and this world does not end with that boy. So, select one of a gem among boys. Love him after marriage.
(5) Any person might have misbehaved to you in your childhood or recently that might have made you to hate the males altogether. (Just one of the possible options, not necessarily). Remember, these people existed even during Krishna’s descendence on earth. We have to accept one from among such society only. No other way. So, still most of the persons marry someone in life and live. So, forget the past and proceed towards future.
(6) Some of your friends might have spoken to you negatively about marriages that might have made you have no interest in marriage. Single view can not match for all the persons. It depends on the background of every person. Remember, a coin has two sides and avoid such friends hereafter.
(KARMA AND MARRIAGE: CONDITIONS TO VIOLATE THE KARMA OF MARRIAGE! READ HERE!)
(7) Some spiritual organisations or books or media or devotees might have immaturedly or wrongly spoken to you that marriage life is hellish life and it will hinder the spiritual growth, or married persons are second grade persons compared with brahmacharis/ sanyasis, like that. It is wrong to speak like this commonly though the speaker is a spiritual personality. Because, both grahastha life and brahmachari life will have its own plus and minuses. All people acan not follow sanyasa perfectly. Grahastha ashram is safe for senses. Because, in thirties and forties, the senses will disturb the people more. So, prevent that by marrying now itself.
(8) Your family situation may be financially weak or you may have no one to look for a groom for you. There are many boys who want wife only, not money. Select one among them patiently and hopefully.
(9) You may not have the desire or feeling to love any boy and hence you might have felt as inferior. Remember, you are a good girl and the future husband should be fortunate to marry such an innocent girl.
(10) You may hate marriage just out of fear of how to manage a family, children, studies, how the husband will be, how his family will be, etc, etc. Remember, Lord gives strength for you for dealing with all the difficulties arising now and then. He only teach the new born child how to suck milk from mother. Who taught this art to the new child? So, He will guide in all stages of life for you also. Believe.
(You advise early marriage. What to do if planets delay the marriage? READ HERE!)
These are some of the POSSIBLE REASONS for which a girl or boy has no interest in marriage and family life. I think that I have collected all the reasons perfectly. There can be no other reasons for avoiding marriage.
Don’t worry. If the marriage life is not successful even after your careful selection of spouse, a girl or boy has every right to come out of it, if the life can NEVER be led with that person if he has serious problems. I am not that much adamant to advise the girls to clean the feet of her husband if he is having many extra marital relations.
A girl can not live with a heavy drunkard and abuser, womanizer, psycho who beats wife for no reasons, etc. All other problems can be tolerated, and forgiven. The above problems can not be tolerated and hence the girls need not live with such unqualified persons IF THEY ARE UNABLE TO CORRECT THOSE HUSBANDS. Among this list, a girl may forgive even a smoker as it can be quit gradually or he is not losing his consciousness after smoking, but, living with a HEAVY drunk addict is very very difficult because, he forgets himself after drinking and does all the sinful acts in a drunken state..
In case you like to avoid marriage even after these advice, involve seriously in the service of Krishna who is the master of senses.
(I, AN INITIATED GIRL DEVOTEE FEAR FOR MARRIAGE. WHAT TO DO? READ HERE!)
First, I like to clarify that whether to get married or not is everyone’s personal matter. There can not be a specific rule for that. Karma too plays strong role in one’s marriage. Some people can not marry at all, if their karma is like that. Whatever attempt they make, they can not get married if it had been destined in karma like that.. Because, they have taken birth to live as brahmachari(ni). Many people can not avoid marriage though they like to avoid. The marriage will be pushed into their life without much efforts.
As I am an astrologer also, I know this well. I have seen the horoscopes of many people that marriage is not at all possible for them. They remained as bachelor for ever. If there are negative planets in the seventh and second house of their horoscope, they usually have issues in getting married. If they have good second or seventh house, they easily get married. In case they have venus powerful, they too can get married. In case they have Rahu or Ketu in the above houses, they will have delayed marriage, ie, after 30-33.
So, this marriage aspect is written even when a child comes to this world. So, it is always better to take the stream of life as it is. If a boy or girl tries their level best for getting married but he/ she is unable to get a match, it is better to avoid the marriage. And, he/ she must dedicate himself/ herself in the service of Lord, instead of leading a dream life.
If both husband and wife target Krishna, it will be a wonderful life for both of them. Only if the taste and aim of the wife and husband differs, the family stands as a barrier for realizing god. However, still you can develop god consciousness fast if you have more problems. It is also a secret.
(GUIDE FOR DEVOTEES: CAN GIRLS AVOID MARRIAGE AND STAY IN THE TEMPLES? A TEST FOR YOU! READ HERE!)
WHY SHOULD YOU MARRY? WHEN SHOULD YOU AVOID IT?
When there is a higher taste, we lose interest in a lower taste. It is natural. But, we should utilize every forum in the service of Krishna, including the forum of marriage! The fact is that this is the issue to be discussed case to case! Not as a common advice for all! Let us see one by one:
(1) The problem arises only when a person is confused that Spiritual life and material life are different! If the materials are involved in Spiritual life, everything becomes Spiritual! We ourselves are not these bodies, but spiritual souls. If we learn seeing Krishna in everything available/ happening in this world, we won’t hate or escape from anything. See your spouse as a soul, not a body.
(2) Of Course, Many face difficulties in balancing the family and Spiritual practice comfortably in this highly competitive world. But this from person to person! It is very easy to overcome it. How?
(3) Both Being a Brahmachari (Bachelor) or being a Grahastha (married man) is allowed in Devotional Service.But many think that Brahmacharya is just skipping the marriage life. No! It is both physical and mental purity. He should not ‘unnecassarily’ talk to the opposite sex. He should dress very simply. He should always be in the company of devotees. He should not remain alone. He should not think of or indulge in any form of sexual act both through body and mind (thinking).
(12 TIPS TO FIND A MATCHING DEVOTEE BOY OR GIRL FOR MARRIAGE! READ HERE!)
(4) Is this possible? This is possible ONLY WHEN you fully divert all your thoughts and activities in Krishna alone! You can not fully stop thinking, but can divert them in the service of Krishna. You can develop a higher taste and totally forget lower taste. But, here too, there is a risk. If your decision to be a brahmachari is weak, and you miss the association of sincere devotees for some time or days, there are chances that you fall back in the hands of MAYA who takes you back to the material affairs. This, some times, leads to confusion in mind.
(5) So, If you are really willing to be a brahmachari and have no interest in marriage life, you can adopt that path ONLY IF you are very confident that you can remain a true brahmachari throughout your life! You should not choose to be a brahmachari thinking that marriage is wrong, or, fearing to run a grahastha life! Because, marriage is allowed in spiritual service! So, ask yourself!
(6) If you have no interest in marriage and prefer to be a brammachari, you should be very sincere and dedicated in your devotional service. You should sincerely follow the instructions of your guru and pray to him to help you to protect yourself from the attractions of Maya and advance in Krishna’s Service. You should be very careful in dealing with the opposite sex and material things. All your actions should be centered at Krishna. Any wrong you do, will spoil the image of the organisation / temple you are attached to. So, Be sincere. If you need a wife/ husband, go ahead and marry. Don’t pretend as if you don’t need marriage! Speak to your Guru about this frankly and act as per his directions. If you are not initiated, ask your siksha guru, or seniors in your sathsangha or a good vedic astrologer who is also a devotee.
(I like to quit marriage as I love my parents only and a devotee boy wants to live with me without marriage. What to do? READ HERE!)
(7) If you are not confident that you can follow the above principles, better, enter into the marriage. If your horoscope permits, Getting married is safe to fight Maya, compared with skipping it and indulging in illicit sex. O.K?
(8) It is ADVISABLE to marry, without hesitation and shyness, if you fall under any one of the following cases:
(i) If you can develop your children as Krishna Devotees.
(ii) If, even after many attempts, you are not able to control your senses!
(iii) If you are not able to concentrate in Krishna Consciousness Practice because of the fight with your senses!
(iv) If you fear that your desire to get married may disturb other devotees.
(v) If you need a person to assist you in your services to Krishna.
(9) But, there is no compromise in a condition: If you marry, you should develop your children as Krishna Conscious. In other words, If you can give Krishna Conscious Children to this world, don’t hesitate to get married. It is welcome.
(10) You may ask: “I have no interest in marriage because if I get married, I will have to spend time with my spouse and hence cannot concentrate in Krishna’s Service. What shall I do?” No Problem! If you marry a devotee, there are no problems in the Continuance of Lord’s Services. Otherwise, if you marry a non devotee or a new devotee, you MUST first explain him/her about the Krishna Consciousness, take him/ her to temples and associate her with other devotees who are practising Krishna Consciousness after marriage. Gradually, he/ she will also become Krishna Conscious. Association makes everything possible. I suggest you to discuss with your proposing boy/ girl about your future way of spiritualised married life, if that boy/ girl is not accustomed to serious spiritual life so far.
(AFTER COMING TO DEVOTION, I HATE MARRIAGE AND LIKE TO SETTLE IN THE TEMPLE. CAN I DO SO? READ HERE!)
(11) In addition to the association of devotees, involve him/ her in Chanting Hare Krishna Maha Manthra as many rounds as possible daily. Sure, She will overtake you in Spiritual advancement. Then, Your life will be so meaningful. Both of you can cook food & offer it to Krishna. Both of you can wash the dresses & utensils of Krishna use them in Pooja. Both of You can chant more rounds. Both of you can involve in Temple Services. Both of you can preach; Distribute Books On Krishna. Both of you can support your temple. You can go for a job, earn and donate a part of it To Krishna’s Service. How meaningful your life will be! Just imagine.
(12) Before entering into marriage, please convey all the details of your involvement in Krishna Consciousness and your expectations, to the boy/ girl and his/ her parents. It MUST be done. Discuss everything before marriage and seek their cooperation. Marry him/ her ONLY IF HE PROMISES that she will cooperate with your practices.
(13) Don’t marry a girl or boy only for Sense enjoyment. Our Acharyas have warned us about this. This rare human life should not be wasted only in the Sense enjoyment. Be careful in getting addicted to the bodily attractions. The meaning of the Marriage is: Before marriage, She loved Krishna; You also loved Krishna; After marriage, Both of you Say, “We love Krishna”. Both of you should live for Krishna’s Service.
(GUIDE FOR DEVOTEES: WHO SHOULD AVOID MARRIAGE? WHY OTHERS SHOULD MARRY? READ HERE!)
(14) Even after marriage, never indulge in unwanted discussions with the people of opposite sex, that may lead to diversions and offences. Always Pray sincerely to Krishna to protect you from indulging in offences. If you Chant Hare Krishna more rounds sincerely, you will gradually become purified. It is the tested fact. Don’t doubt in it! Krishna, the King Of Senses, will protect you.
(15) Follow four regulative principles: No meat eating, No Gambling; No intoxication; No Illicit Sex.
(16) WARNING: I write this after observing the devotee world closely: In case you like to follow spiritual practices seriously, NEVER MARRY A BOY/ GIRL WHO DOES NOT LIKE SUCH SERIOUS DEVOTEE LIFE. MARRY HIM/ HER ONLY IF HE/ SHE CAN INVOLVE ALONG WITH YOU. If a serious devotee marries a boy/ girl who does not have a taste in K.C and who does not like to follow it seriously, the life will be hellish with quarrels and upsets. He/ She may expect FREQUENT close relations, but, you will restrict it as per rules. So, misunderstandings. That is why, such marriages who marry NON COOPERATIVE person fails.
Therefore, DISCUSSION & UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER’S LIFE STYLE “BEFORE MARRIAGE” IS IMPORTANT. VERY IMPORTANT! DO THAT.
(Are Inter Caste marriages prohibited by the Scriptures? Is it allowed for devotees? READ HERE!)
The conclusion is:
Brahmacharya is not a path full of flowers; If you are not serious about it, don’t choose to be a brahmachari just for having no interest in marriage. It is Good and safe to marry a boy/ girl (if possible, a devotee, otherwise make him/ her as a devotee after marriage. You are giving a new devotee to Krishna. Isn’t it?). However, if you are 100% confident that you REALLY like to be a brahmachari, you can go ahead. But, be genuine as advised above for aspiring brahmacharis!
Krishna Says in Bhagavad Gita (Ch-3, Text-6): “One who restrains the senses of action but whose mind dwells on sense objects, certainly deludes himself and is called a PRETENDER”. Therefore, if you fear that you may be a pretender, immediately get married.
Thus, MARRIAGE is permitted in Spiritual Life. It protects us from going into illicit activities. The condition is: Both the parents and their children should live for Krishna; Not for Sense Enjoyment. O.K?
The above tips are applicable for both male and female readers who have no interest in marriage. However, girls are advised to try their best to enter into marriage life. You also can follow all the above tips to lead a blissful marriage life!
I hope this reply have cleared your doubts that made you with no interest in marriage.. Therefore, review your thoughts based on the points I have given above. Then decide. Let Krishna be your soulmate. Consider why can’t you consider a mate for body.
Then, come to a wise decision.
(“Is marriage necessary or unnecessary?” READ HERE!)