Can a girl devotee marry a many years elder devotee boy?
A girl devotee asked like this (I have hidden her name):
“Hare Krishna Prabhuji . I met a guy online. He lives in the …………… but of Indian origin and I live in India and he happens to be 16 years older than I am. I am currently 24 and he is 40. We both are unmarried. He happened to be a devotee and he introduced me to Krishna Consciousness.
Intially, we chatted online for 2-3 months and later we started talking on phone. He would spend hours explaining the verses of Bhagavad Gita and talking about Krishna. I was a total non-devotee and he persuaded me to visit temples, Vrindavan, reading Bhagavad Gita, Bhagavatam, Chanting and eating satvic food. He worked very hard to turn me into a devotee. And finally I did I started chanting, reading , visiting temples and doing puja of laddu gopal ji.
And slowly slowly we got close as we kept talking daily and sharing each other’s problems. So he decided that as friendship is not an authorized relationship between a man and a woman so he thought of becoming a spiritual guide and guiding me through KC. But this idea didn’t last very long as he had been longing for marriage and I too am in a marriageable age. And the more we talked (although, mostly KC discussions) the more we got close and expectations increased.
So we thought okay, let’s give it a try and meet up at the very next opportunity. He couldn’t come immediately as he had been having some personal issues. So we continued to talk and chat for almost a year. The best part being that we were always discussing KC and helping each other in our life problems. We never took advantage of our relationship to enjoy materially or for sense gratification; rather we used it as an opportunity to help each other advance in KC. Trying to practically implement KC as much as we can.
And we finally met a week back while he was in India. I, being a shy and reserved person didn’t open up much and couldn’t interact at the level we used to while we chatted online as it takes me a lot of time to get friendly in person (as I had been lonely most of my life being a single child and have had very less interaction with people and I am not very good with confrontation). He was nice and very open and just like the way he was in chat. But our energies didn’t match. More so, because of my being shy and reserved and maybe slightly because of the age gap. As we had been close in chat but in person we need to meet more to get that kind of feelings alive. He plans to settle in India permanently and would be shifting here. I have two questions for you:
(1) Should I consider getting married to him? We have been in touch with each other for about 2 years now. We do have little understanding problems materially sometimes because of the age gap. But I feel I can never have that kind of KC understanding with someone else. We do have huge age gap and he happens to be 2-3 inches shorter than I am but what to do, what is there, is there!!
(2) If the answer to the above question is NO, then should I be looking for a devotee husband myself? I belong to a family of non-devotees and if I go for arranged marriage there is a very good chance of me getting married to a smoker, drinker, meat eater etc, which I will not be able to tolerate after being in KC for about a year and a half. I am very confused about my life. Please help.
How should i go about convincing my parents for it. Although, love marriage is not a problem in my family at all, but the age gap will upset them and my family being non devotees, they might not understand our relationship. Even if i explain to them the KC point of view in this alliance, they will think it’s all stupid. So can you guide me for this as well.
(If the wife agrees to husband’s Sex needs helplessly, will she fall? READ HERE!)
REPLY:
I will simply advise you to marry him if he is ready to marry you.
Of ourse, the devotees usually talk about Krishna and then become couples.
In the material environment , a boy and girl talk about movie, beauty, job, career, etc as friends first. Then, they feel some needs and declare themselves as lovers.
Same happens in devotee communities also. A Boy and girl initially get introduced as co-devotees! Then, they feel FRIENDSHIP. They call it as SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP, NOT MATERIAL.
Then, they feel LOVE between them. They call it as divine love, not material love. Then, they long for each other. Then marry.
So, the reason for discussions may be different. Bu, the situation is the same both inside and outside temples.
(Questions the girl devotees should ask a Groom before deciding! READ HERe!)
MESSAGE FOR US IS:
If a girl and boy personally talk again and again, there are chances for the development of an affinity and love – whether they are devotees or non devotees!
In both the cases, the parents have no “SAY” about the future of the children whom they developed with care.
Ok, now, in your case, the ‘chemistry’ happened and worked out. So, you and he have decided to unite in life. He is 16 years older than you. You ask whether it will be ok.
It is not ok for non devotees or casual devotees interested in sense pleasures. But 15-16 years of age difference is not a big barrier if their objective is to serve the Lord together with minimum physical relations.
Yes. It must be OK if he is a devotee following the vaishnava etiquette type as observed by you. The Scriptures advise that the boy should be atleast 16-18 years older than girl during marriage. Why the scriptures say so? Because, usually, women attain sexual menopause in their late forties, ie, before 50 mostly. But, men attain menopause only in seventies that too partially, not fully. So, if a man decides, he can involve in sexual activities even in sixtees.
So, the scriptures allows the maximum difference age of 15-18 between couples. Though the wife loses interest in her fiftees, the husband would have attained the age of 70 and can control his senses. So, 15-18 is the permissible difference of age between a wife and husband as per scriptures. So, there is no barrier for you as a 24 years old girl to marry that 40 years old guy. Rememebr, you should not have excessive sense gratifying desires. If so, marry him.
(Why Same Gotra marriage is prohibited? Can they do Vedic rights? READ HERE!)
Now a days, just two years of difference is maintained between couples. That is why there are some issues in families. Both the husband and wife are in the same maturity level. So, when the wife attains menopause in her 50, the husband will be 52 only and he may still have desires till his 60-70 if he is an exceptional case. However, many men become decent after 55.
So, both of you are in the right age difference as per the scriptures. Men may gradually start to lose their interest in sex slowly after 45.
So, if you are particular about short term pleasures, go for 28-32 years old guy. Or, If you are not much worried about pleasures, you can marry him. This is the only consideration you have to make about YOURSELF.
Marry him earlier without delay because today’s boys may change their mind at any time. Marry and start marriage life earlier and lead a perfect devotee life as said by sastras and do not live only for sex, but for Krishna. Practice your senses according to that.
All the best. Hare Krishna.
TAIL PIECE:
Though the people may hesitate to allow 15-18 years gap in age, it is better if they see a groom with atleast 8-10 years more age than girl. This will be good for future.
(Marriage between initiated & uninitiated devotees! Tips to consider! READ HERE!)