I, AN INITIATED GIRL DEVOTEE FEAR FOR MARRIAGE. WHAT TO DO?
……………………Dasi asked like this with the fear for marriage:
Hare Krishna prabhuji Dandavt pranams How are you doing? Its been quite a long now since I have talked to you I have discussed my problems with you earlier. And you had given superb answers to them. However, since knowledge was not enough to end them but it helped me to through them. And only by grace of God, it could happen.. They have finally disappeared from my life now.
Now that I have got initiated from my dearest guru maharaj HH loknath swami maharaj.. He has adopted me like his own child and since then my life has been going on very smoothly… But since you are a great counsellor and like a good friend, sending a message to you has a purpose. Sought to having a solution to my next problem that stands in my life. Now prabhu in order to understand my problem, I will have to give a little background to it.
Prabhu, I have been a very loving child of my mother. She is kind and so caring and lovable. I have another sibling but I have always been preferred. I m provided all kinds of protection. Being a quiet kid.. I dont know how to confront my issues head on and so she has been a companion in all my bad times. And the good ones too. She is the one responsible for getting me initiated. She puts forward my views in a group. She gives me guidance and suggestions. She is the victim when I get angry but in return I only get love and that love in turn melts my heart and makes me a kind hearted person… All this has made me a very sensitive kid. As she stands for me in all situations. I m a part of her prayers.. asking for my goodness, health and prosperity in my life and career.. and obviously bhakti too. So Now I have turned 23. I am still pursuing this course which is going to take another 1 year to complete and after that Im ready to be married. Marriage. A dreadful word hearing upon my heartbeat starts increasing, my body starts perspiring and I get chills throughout this body. and I shake inside when I feel my soul screaming a big NO for it. I m very weak mentally to enter into grastha ashram. Knowing, believing and having full faith that I will not be able to live by myself (since I m too attached to her and her pampering now). I know how pampered kids have so many troubles and difficulties in getting aling with new people in their lives. Its just that I cant handle the fact that I will be alone to deal with my issues. I just feel that after I get married – I Will Be Alone. Now the other side of my mind… which keeps on constantly consoling me inside that it is all Krishna’s love directed to me through her. It is only and only that she is acting as the medium to provide me that love that Krishna wants to give to me. And that after my marraige also only radharani and shyamsundar will be by my side always surrounding me and giving me all kinds of protection. But my heart is never totally convinced.. and I’m always led up into this fight between my mind and brain… and now this occurance of this thought has increased so much so that I am always thinking about this, getting depressed and crying at times to myself in alone. What to do? I m getting mentally disturbed All because of I m not able to fix my mind on Krishna but how does all other girls do it without any problem at all. I m so sad at separating from her and always in anxiety that how everything is going to be in the next house that I go to . Im very much attached with the ways I m living in this house now.. and concerned what if I’m not able to adjust myself with new surroundings and new people.. what will I do? Will I go in depression? Again? Even if I dont want to. But this feeling is not leaving me now. It has captured my mind completely and its like I m ruled by it. I m so sorry for such a long message. Hope that I will get an answer that satisfies me within Although one simple answer my mother gives to me is that dont think much about all this and Krishna will take care of it all… Still I cant stop myself. Please help if you could.
In general, those who have a disturbed life without peace because of many reasons take up devotional service easily and seriously.
Disturbed Material life —> faster development in devotion.
Because, they will be thinking/ worrying how they can go out of such a hellish life. When an opportunity comes to serve Krishna through the mutts/ organizations like ISKCON, they find that appealing and take up devotional service readily.
If you note the life of many acharyas, they had very disturbed family life. Sri Ramanujacharya left his family when his Poorvashrama wife acted in a way that he did not cultivate. Srila Prabhupada left his family when his Poorvashrama wife did not understand his deep interest in devotion to Krishna. Of course, these acharyas would have followed devotion even if their families had been cooperative to their devotion. But, the non-cooperation made them desert their families and become the head of the bigger family of devotees.
Thus, material disturbances force a person towards devotion deeply. There is no doubt in it.
That is why, many people who are enjoying a temporarily happy life in their young age with their wives and families, do not show much interest when we speak to them about Bhagavad Gita and dedicating for Krishna’s service.
Take me. I too was forced towards ISKCON when I was in serious distress with my business setbacks. Before that, I was leading a life similar to the youth of today. Had Krishna not bgiven that setbacks, I might not have come to devotional organizations like ISKCON that have strict rules. These rules are better than the distress one has in his life. So, he readily takes up devotional service.
Distress alone is not the reason for one to take up serious devotional practices. Some gifted persons are ignited by their inner self to take up devotional way of life because the vasanas and samskaras from their earlier birth in which they were following devotion, naturally ignites them to take up devotional way of life to continue from the past life. They take devotion due to vasanas and samskaras from previous birth.
You must be one such case.
Because in your case, you are leading a smooth and loving life with your mother. Fine. It is great you decided to take diksha from H.H.Lokanath Swami in this young age though you had no pressures of distress. In spite of this smooth life, you have started devotional life under the guidance of a guru that shows that you have been following devotion in your previous birth(s) that has forced you to take up devotion to krishna in this life.
So, feel happy that you have the blessing of Krishna who has given you a spiritual master to follow devotion in this young age.
Now, about fear for marriage parting your mother.
All the girls in India do that. If you remain unmarried, it will be a pain to your mother and her relatives will ask her about that repeatedly. For a parent, seeing his/ her daughter getting married to a good guy will be the happiest moment in their life and they will feel that they have done their responsibility as parents.
You have not written whether you have any hatred in physical relations with husband. If you hate physical relations, you need not worry. If you marry an initiated devotee boy, he will follow grahastha rules about physical relations. So, animal like relations may not be there.
So, you can marry an initiated and mentally matured boy who is very decent with women and dedicated to Krishna’s service.
I have a well wisher and vibrant senior devotee in ISKCON from United States of America and I have served Krishna for one year along with him. His initiated daughter married an initiated devotee boy and is now leading a grahastha life as she wished.
Thus, consult your guru or the in-charge of his office to register your name for matrimonial support from his office. Request him or his office to recommend you a sincere devotee boy to marry. This may work out. Or, register your name in your nearby ISKCON temple.
As far as parting mother after marriage is concerned, it will make her happy. If you are still hesitating, try for an initiated devotee groom from your city itself. Thus, you and your mother can live in the same city and visit her every day or week. She too can come and meet you whenever both of you like.
If you do not get a devotee boy in the same city, try from a nearby city that is just an hour or two hours travel. This too will be helpful.
Avoiding marriage by girls is not much recommended unless there are serious reasons. I have written post here about who should avoid marriage.
You have to think of your last days and you may need some support during that period. So, marrying an initiated devotee boy in or near your city is a good option.
In this age of 23, you may have some kind of thoughts. In 32, you will have some other thoughts. When you cross 40, you may feel alone. Your mother can’t remain with you till you live. One day, she has to leave before you. At that time, you may need some other support. If it is a good devotee boy and your child, it will be fine.
Therefore, if you have serious hatred in marriage with valid reasons, avoid marriage. The reason mentioned by you is really weak and impractical because every girl has to leave her parents to some other place after marriage. This is the system.
Instead of totally avoiding, take sufficient time to find a really good devotee boy and marry. It will make your mother more happy than your being with her till she lives.
Think practically keeping your aged days in future.
I have to add one important point. Some devotees will have no marriage as per their horoscope. Such devotees can’t marry even if they try hard. So, try your best. If you get a good initiated devotee boy, marry him. If you do not get a boy like that in spite of your sincere attempts, then, think of avoiding marriage.
Now, start trying. If you send your horoscope as per the instructions given in this page of our site, I will tell you whether you have marriage or not.
Convey my pranams to maharaj whenever you meet him in future. I remember singing kirtans with him in my two connected cities when he visited Tamil Nadu. I have that video also with me. I am fortunate to have the darshan and blessing of many of the spiritual masters in ISKCON whenever they visit Tamil Nadu.
Hope this reply has freed your heart.