Is friendship between Girl & Boy devotees allowed in devotional life?
Two questions from two devotees:
(1) A male devotee whose name I have hidden asked like this:
“i want to say that i don’t have any friend in females. what should i do . i need one for my whole life. having friends gives moral support, reduces anxiety, hopelessness. Please suggest ways to get one good friend, especially in females. Does having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a wrong thing as per sastras. Can a boy and a girl be friends, good friends?”
(2) A Girl Devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
Hare krishna prabhu. My question is : Is it okay to have a girlfriend? If one is K.Conscious and he have a spiritual girl friend and everything is okay without anykind of lust between them the what is wrong? I am asking this question for not myself but from whole people. I am single but one of my K.C FB friend has a gf. Then is it wrong or what should they furthur do?
REPLY:
It seems that you are in a confused state seeing the global trend.
You have said that you do not have friend in females. Why are you very particular about friendship between Girl & Boy devotees? Don’t you get any male friends? Is it because many others around you have many girl friends?
Can’t a boy friend give consolation and encouragement to boys?
Actually, the words like FRIEND, THICK FRIEND, MY LIFE, EVERYTHING FOR ME, MOST LOVING PERSON, etc., are all highly emotional words. In fact, all the jeevans in this world are the product of Krishna. So, we have to love all the jeevans, including a dog.
(What is called Pure love? Is it possible in this material world? READ HERE!)
But, LOVING means not wandering everywhere together closely shoulder to shoulder. Love means, thinking everyone and everything as respectable ones and seeing them with mercy.
For example, if you see a 16 years old girl struggling to get train ticket in queue and you help her by taking ticket, it is normal. But, if you do the same help when an 80 years old lady struggles to get ticket, that means that you are really loving everybody irrespective of gender, age, etc.
Loving only young girls and not caring elderly women is not love. You are satisfying your particular senses by helping that girl, because that girl can stand in queue even for two hours, but the old lady can’t.
Thus, many have the tendency to associate with only young persons of opposite gender. Even some elderly guys (!!) like to associate with 16 years old girls. In India, we can see many old, even 70 years old cinema heroes are acting with 16-18 years old actresses as lovers in movies. The males never get old in cinema whereas the girls lose their market just after their marriage.
So, this is the human tendency. That is why, you are seriously thinking of having a girl friend. You need not evaluate such issues of friendship between Girl & Boy devotees, if you have Krishna as your eternal friend.
(How to make and Serve Krishna as our friend? READ HERE!)
The Scriptures like ‘Chanakya Needhi’ do not prohibit talking to girls, but, they have given some regulations for friendship between Girl & Boy devotees or in general life, like (1) speak to them only when there are genuine needs (2) Just speak the required topic and then go away. (3) DO NOT DISCUSS ABOUT THEIR OR YOUR PERSONAL LIFE. (4) Do not speak inducing or double meaning words. (5) To save the image of that girl, do not speak in public places and go away from her at the earliest.
Why such restrictions for the friendship between Girl & Boy devotees?
Because, the attraction between two OPPOSITES is the natural phenomenon. Senses are that much powerful. They will always be expecting the chances to engage themselves in satisfying acts. If they find a girl nearby, it will create some boost in their harmone secretions and hence the persons are induced to involve in offenses if an opportunity comes.
(VIOLATIONS BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS! HOW TO AVOID IT? READ HERE!)
Women going closer to men is equal to cotton going closer to fire. Only if the cotton is wet, ie, strong, it can escape from burning. If the cotton is dry (weak), it will associate with the fire closely and burn into ashes, ie, invite many issues in life.
Only because we did not care the advice of the scriptures, now a days, there are many reports of Violations within the family, teachers exploiting the students, doctors exploiting the patients, criminals exploiting even visually or mentally challenged girls, etc. The society is slowly coming to the stage that they need flesh to satisfy their senses – whatever flesh it is, whatever relation it may be. This is a dangerous trend that is increasing in kaliyuga.
Our elders did not want to see any girl or boy affected by such attractions and offenses. That is why, they recommended some restrictions for girls and boys to freely associate.
So, do not develop the desire of having girl friends. Let them be free with other girls. Let the girls be friends with girls and boys be with the boys. If the need arises, let the girls and boys decently discuss and go away. They need not call themselves as friends or thick friends or close friends or soulmates.
If a girl likes to keep a boy in high esteem, let her call him as the well wisher of her family (or) brother. No need to call as thick friends.
Why don’t the boys like to have only girl friends, not sisters? Don’t you understand the secret in it? Because there is no freedom in treating as sister compared with treating as friends.
Now a days, in many cases, the love between a girl and boy starts as friendship only. Then, it turns as love.
(How love affairs affect Devotion and Krishna Consciousness? READ HERE!)
So, I do not believe in such unwanted attachments. This is the nature of HUMAN RELATIONS in this MATERIAL WORLD. That is why, I am treating all the devotees with dignity for decades. Because, first, I should be an example to others atleast in some basic aspects while preaching.
TREAT OTHER GIRLS AS SISTERS or MOTHERS AND TREAT YOUR FUTURE WIFE AS YOUR FRIEND.
LET YOUR WIFE BE YOUR GIRL FRIEND. This is harmless and the best way to a happy family.
But, speak to the girls briefly and respectfully whenever the need arises. No need to totally stop. Be careful in human relations.
Though girls and boys can remain as good friends, it is possible only for mentally strong and matured persons. But, we need an advice that is applicable for all types of people, even for mentally weak people who are majorities in kaliyuga. That is why, the scriptures advice to be controlled in the association with the people of opposite gender.
Until we are in this body and in this material world, we are bound to commit offenses because we are living in a planet maintained by maya who always tries to engage us in materialistic activities that involves offenses.
Committing offences is one of the four defects of conditioned souls. Offences or sins may be committed at any time in the process of our life. So, we need to be very careful in dealing with others and situations.
(WHAT ARE THE FOUR DEFECTS OF CONDITIONED SOULS (MAN)? READ HERE!)
Except a few, no one commits sins with prior planning. Women exploitation, killing, cheating, etc mostly happen ONLY WHEN they get a suitable atmosphere and without prior planning.
When safe privacy is there, the mind induces us to violate the limits with a girl. This is the major defect of all the conditioned souls.
Only because of this nature of our mind, the Scriptures gave some restrictions even for the fathers in handling their daughters. I know many families in which even the fathers are very decently maintaining a certain distance with the daughters but maintaining fatherly love with them.
So, relations are very sensitive in this material world. We need to be very careful in mingling with the persons of opposite gender.
The term Girl friend or Boy Friend seems very materialistic. Sometimes, even the lovers introduce their lovers as friends. It need not be used in devotion, I feel. The best term for male- female devotees in devotion is CO DEVOTEE or FELLOW DEVOTEE or PRABHUS or MATAJIS. This is decent and safe.
We have to see the girl devotee as another co-devotee. We should discuss with them as a decent co-devotee. As said by Srila Prabhupada, we should consider other women or women devotees as mothers. That is why, we call them as MATAJIS. After calling them as Matajis, if we treat them as Girl friends, there will be no meaning in that. If we consider them as Girl friends, we will start to talk unwanted things with them. Then, two things may happen:
(1) You may fall in unwanted bondage with her if she does not know how to deal with the relations. It may be wrong bondage some times. So, fall from regulative principles.
(2) If that woman devotee is very straightforward, she may cut your association totally.
So, do not apply modernity in relationships in devotion. Devotion is related to the ATHMA. However, we are living in this body that has a mind in it that is like a monkey that tends to make use of all options available. Until we are living in this body, we have to maintain a smart distance with the persons of opposite gender.
Instead of feeling after the involving in the violations, it is better to be careful in advance.
Talk to the persons of opposite gender in a friendly manner. Even we talk to our mother in a friendly manner. But, treating the women/ girls like Girl friends seems vulnerable sometimes.
So, as advised by the scriptures and acharyas, treat all other women except your wife as mothers and call even a child as MATAJI.
This is always safe and decent and a recommended way.
Hope you got my points about friendship between Girl & Boy devotees.
(Is attraction between a male and female devotee offensive in devotion? READ HERE!)