What to do when my parents criticize me for my appearance and devotion?
Actual Questions from two girl devotees:
“Hare Krishna Prabhuji !! I hope you are hale and hearty.
My question is that what is difference between self respect and ego? Which is important with family members?
The other question is that my mother has been criticizing me all my life. It has moved to such an extent that I have been suffering from low confidence but now it has come to zero.
I believe that I am good to no purpose. It is not that I have given up trying but nothing is working in my life.
Above all my mother compares me with each and every girl/friends or for that matter who all are doing wonders according to her. I feel I am useless.
I have tried making her understand that we all have different purpose and different timings. I know I am not “”successful””.But I never asked krishna to give me those things which my peers have achieved.
I tried to regain positivism daily. But her single comment blow me out. I am not sure how to handle myself. I feel worthless.
I am so depressed or better to say her single comment drives me towards suicide.
I understand that she has good intentions but how can you criticize on things which are going well in my life. example, I have full functioning body; not sure about mental health. I am having a job though low salaried. I am getting two meals a day.
She thinks I am not good looking and flawless skin, how any boy is going to marry me. Above that I do not earn that much, how a boy can accept that her soon to be wife is earning so less.
I am so stupid to take a single decision correctly in my life.
You tell me Prabhuji, if outside world is potent then should we avoid everything that goes via life. Or Rather we should make ourselves strong.
She never teaches me to deal with the things rather tells me to avoid anything.
I have not seen so many rejections in interview ; but the rejections I face a my home are uncountable.
I have lost belief ; ambition or goal in my self. My heart just wants to cry and keeps on crying whenever I sit alone.
It has been around 3 years that I have not smiled whole heartedly. I have tired of faking smile.
I do not have any ask from Krishnaa too. Many times I feel to go to psychologist. I have tried reading many books but in vain.
Furthermore, if you can recommend me psychologist who can advise online. Kindly revert as per your available time.
At last I want to thank you for guiding hundreds of people and become an inspiration. I thank you krishna for sending you as messesnger and pray loads of blessings for you and your family.
(2) Another Girl devotee (Name hidden):
“Hi Anna, please hide my name.. I just wanted to know, why are people being bullied for the looks, the color, for being extra fat or extra skinny?? Is this also related to karma Only? It’s so easy for some people to insult someone and put the other people down, do you really think this ppl should be given answers for their humiliating tone or language? Is retaliation good or we should just walk off, letting karma do it’s work?? People are only being judgemental, it’s so easy for some people to insult a human being, do they really have no heart or humanity, thinking how would other people feel??”
Only if you have ego, you will expect self respect from others. Therefore, if you quit your ego, the neglect of others will not affect you and you will not expect the self respect.
There are many ways to deal with this situation faced by both of you:
(1) First, sit in a calm place and think why you alone are hurt. Evaluate whether you have any unwanted quality that is not available with many others. unwanted quality means taking everything seriously, considering others bad, self pity – ie – you are struggling a lot while others are happy, etc.
(2) If you have these unwanted qualities, quit them. Develop the approach of majority – ie – live like most of other people. This will give you a feel of being secured in a group. This does not mean giving up your higher goals. Just be normal in the family/ society by being cordial to everyone.
(3) Evaluate whether you feel still insecured. Are you lacking in the proficiency of language? Learn that. It is possible by practice. Lacking in fairness and beauty? It is not important if you become a big guy/ girl. Just be neat and decent with normal make up. No extra make ups. Lacking in mingling with a group of people? If so, change that. Be free to mingle with the people without acquiring their bad qualities. Just be a spectator and advisor, not a receiver of bad qualities.
(4) Are you denying whatever others say? Change this. Accept others’ services to the family and encourage them. Be supportive to them. Speak kind and positive words. They too will reciprocate with the same approach.
(5) If you still feel hurt by others, start to neglect their actions. If anyone hurts you with words, just smile at them and leave the spot. They will regret later and ask excuse from you.
(6) If anyone deceives/ cheats you, take it as the nature of this kaliyuga. In kaliyuga, three out of four people will not be supportive to you. So, take it as natural and just pooh-pooh it and continue your next duty.
(7) Be busy in life and always remain engaged in some work. If you allow more free time, unnecessary thoughts and activities and friendships will interfere and disturb you. So, keep you busy so that you don’t have time to worry for these things.
(8) Concentrate more on a person who loves u. It may be your father, mother, brother, sister or husband. Spend more time with them and do not speare time with negative minded people. If your mother does not understand you, be more with the father or brother or sister or good friends.
The person who loves you the most is Krishna. He loves you though you do not give sufficient attention to Him. So, follow His plain love without expectation and surrender yourself to Krishna and be relieved from material stress.
Also read another useful topic in this site: 12 PRACTICAL TIPS TO AVOID ANGER, TENSION AND NERVOUSNESS IN LIFE!
If you follow these 8 golden rules, you will get rid of hurt feelings.
Start making yourself busy from today. I too am being hurt by many in life. But, as I am making myself extremely busy, I never care them. I even continue this service of preaching in spite of the very tight schedules.
So, do your works in spite of the fact that you will not be rewarded though you work hard. Work for the Lord, not for your pleasure. This will give you a balanced mindset and hence nothing will affect u.
I think that you are depending more on others. How do you expect that this world will support all your efforts? The world will start to support us only after we achieve, not while starting.
Example – Srila Prabhupada, the founder of ISKCON movement. Indians did not support him sufficiently when he started preaching in India as a sanyasi in 1950s and early 1960s. But, he went to America in 1965 and achieved the establishment of many centres with the help of his western devotees. He then came back to India with so many western disciples. Now, the same Indians started to see him with surprise as he was surrounded by western devotees who had accepted vaishnava way of life. Once Srila Prabhupada achieved, the same India started to support him sufficiently.
This is the mentality of this world. So, if you are always worrying for your bad luck and unsupporting relatives and family, your problems will never end till you die and they will always be acting against you only.
So, stop worrrying and start to think how to achieve something in your life. If you do not get any job, open a shop or any service centre in your area and start to earn something. Learn arts like tailoring, crafts, recipes, etc and start the business. Plan well and do business accordingly. There are many businesses and services that can be done even without any investments. Just a mobile phone is enough to start a business. You can also open some service centres in your locality and invite your surrounding people by distributing your visiting cards to every family in your locality.
You can also get loan from nearby banks or you can start a business with no investments except your skills.
There are many good philonthropists who help the deserving youth. Contact them and get their help to start a business.
Remember, I hailed from a poor family and my father was doing a daily earning profession that offered very meagre earning every day that could not feed us fully and we had just one time food a day , that too at 4 PM daily after coming back from the free government school. I too earned in part time and did my studies with money earned by me. I did not want to disturb my struggling elder brothers as my father had died in my young age.
Even to apply for my first job, I sold my blood in a blood bank for the postage stamp and photo expenses and then I got that job. Now, I have recovered from all the negatives by embracing Krishna and am leading a life with the hope that Krishna will not allow me to fall. He has taught me to lead a dignified life by giving problems. Only because I studied in government school, my English is not that much good. However, Krishna knows how to use everyone. So, He is using me now like this in His service.
Lord gives troubles to some people since He likes them to come to Him after death. So, He gives more problems to devotees. By giving more problems to them, He clears their karma fast and then take them when their time ends. Without knowing this, we should not worry for these things.
Had anyone faced the problems faced by me, he would have hanged himself. Just because I understood that by facing problems, we are cleared from our bad karma, I am still living in this world.
So, do not think that you alone are struggling in life. There are people who are struggling more than us. There are many persons who are earning and living with physical and mental challenges, as an orphan, etc…Think of them.
In this material world, we can’t live without hearing abusive words from others. Atleast one person will abuse us though we lead a principled life. So, take this as the order of the day of this kaliyuga.
Also read another useful topic in our another site: HOW TO AVOID ANGER, UPSET AND FRUSTRATION IN LIFE?
Moreover, more attachments…more expectations… So, more worries. You are attached with your family and hence you expect that they should appreciate you. Therefore, you feel more depressed. You can’t expect apprecciation from others all the time.
Therefore, understand the reality of this material life, think of upgrading yourself ON YOUR OWN with or without the support of some well wishers. Today you are like this. Tommorrow you may become a millionaire if you start your efforts now. Who knows?
You have said that your family and others speak against your following devotion. This is happening in most of the families. They think that only those who are not able to achieve in studies, job, etc, get attracted to devotional way of life.
They feel so because many devotees start to show less interest in studies, earning, etc, by considering them as useless and illusion after they come to the devotional practices. If every devotee performs well also in their studies, career, etc, they will not speak like that.
Even if you are not fair and slim, if your earnings are fair and bulk, so many grooms will come proposing you in this world. And, there are many good boys (atleast 25%) who do not give importance for outlook. They will marry you.
Remember, if you do not concentrate in studies and career, you will have to depend on others throughout your life.
From this moment, do not give ears to them and concentrate in studies, career, etc. Once you start earning, all of them will shut their mouth and compete to talk to you lovefully.
Give full attention in studies and spare just one hour for Krishna while studying. This is enough right now.
So, forget the family and friends who ill treat you. See the Other bright side of this world in which big opportunities are waiting for you.
All you need is : Hope, planning and efforts. Do that. You will shine soon in life.
All the best.