How to deal if a devotee husband ill treats his wife?
A woman devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“please hide my name prabhu ji…im here with a problem…i dont know to whom i should share this problem prabhu ji…i m an ISKCON devotee married to a devotee…we got married three years ago..everything went good first month…after that so many problems started in my life….my husband started giving tantaurams for everything…i pleaded him to give me time..as i have to adjust…but he continued it. he used to scold me with bad words..that im unable to hear it..i was shocked that a devotee talking like this….slowly i adjusted with everything..i started doing what ever he likes…hoping he will change….he is very good at temple…but he wont talk to me properly….he will always feel irritated by seeing me….he used to compare me with other girls..that im not looking good like them….i was heart broken..but i prayed a lot for him….slowly he reduced doing all these things..but he has a friend who is corrupting his mind prabhu ji…he will always chat with my husband in a different manner…he will always tell that he is missing him…and i just cant tell in what bad language they will chat…by mistake once i saw their conversation…..and i have seen my husband searching about wrong things in internet recently….i cant share these things to anyone prabhu ji…so i just messaged u….how my husbands behaviour will change from all these bad things….how can i deviate him from bad friendships…please guide me prabhu ji….i will call him to temple but he wont come with me…but he will be always roaming with his friend….till now we dont have child prabhu ji….he wont share anything with me…about my house matters i will come to know from others…..really it hurts a lot…if i start asking these things to him he will just blast out at me…and two three times he has bet me badly prabhu ji…pls guide me prabhu ji”
REPLY:
This is very unfortunate to see a devotee husband ill treats his wife having such friends. I feel sorry for the serious agony faced by you. I am able to understand how a wife will feel alone and unsafe in this situation. These egoistic males should understand the sacrifice of their wives by coming with them from their parents’ house. These are all acts of immatured devotees. Matured devotees won’t do like this.
(My husband does not cooperate in my devotional practices. What to do? READ HERE!)
Your message shows that he is not acting as a normal husband. He is an irresponsible husband who deceives his wife by violating the ethics and the social norms.
If a devotee husband ill treats his wife, he need not be shown mercy blindly for ever. He may take it as an advantage. Make some sincere attempts to correct him and if he does not correct, better leave him.
Why I say so? Because, he is having or showing interest in such nonsenses.
If he has THIS TYPE OF interest, he should have avoided marrying an innocent girl who packed everything and came with him leaving her parents.
He has done a blunder mistake. No mercy for this.
However, considering that every human is prone to offenses, you can take some steps to set him right for a period of one year:
(WHAT ARE THE FOUR DEFECTS OF CONDITIONED SOULS (MAN)? READ HERE!)
(1) First, ensure that you have cooperated for everything in life. So, relax that.
When you and he have in good mindset, request him to cut that friendship since you have been gifted by Krishna to him for leading a decent grahastha life with morals. Do not advise him like a teacher. Do that in a friendly way. Make him to think that his wife is the best friend and for sharing the thoughts and she is also giving that sufficiently and it is permitted by the scriptures. Forget about the rules because you are doing this as a treatment to him, not for your senses alone.
Continue this for 3 months. If he shows some interest , continue this approach for long till he himself loses interest in everything.
In case he does not show any interest in cutting THAT friendship, take the next step.
(2) Tell about his nature to his parents. Request them to guide him. If they are genuine parents, they will take this serious and advice him. Do not hesitate to share this matter with them because you first tried your best to pull him back to your circle. Only because of failure in that, you are telling them. You are now in a position to either correct him or leave that offender.
(Will Krishna reform torturing husbands if the wife likes to avoid divorce? READ HERE!)
In case your husband corrects himself, it is good. Continue to give him close support without much restrictions except ekadasi, Amavasya, festivals, etc.
(3) In case he fails to correct himself even at this stage, take him to a psychiatric specialist who is expert in marital problems. Make him to agree to come to that psychiatrist using your friendly approach.
However, unless he himself likes to reform himself, he will not agree for this.
(4) Then, make him agree to come to the temple with you. Thus, involve him in devotional path again. Slowly, he may get reformed.
(5) Thus, spend one year with him taking steps to reform him. In case he gets reformed, feel happy. If he continues the interest in orientation towards his friend, this is the time for you to come out of your house and go to your parents house.
(6) Your long absence may make him to review his mistakes. If he promises that he will be NORMAL and lead a responsible life with you, go with him again and continue your close support and warmth to him.
(7) In case he does not correct himself or does not call you within one year, silently part him.
(DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE FOR MEN AND WOMEN – VERDICT OF INDIAN SCRIPTURES! READ HERE!)
I do not encourage DIVORCE for silly problems and small misunderstandings. If he continues his mistakes even after all your efforts, you can part him. No other way.
Finally, do not consider ALL the devotees as buddhas or siddhas or Paramahamsas. Except a small portion of matured devotees, the others are just practitioners who have not yet relieved from the material attachments/ attractions. Only a small section of devotees show maturity and responsibility in both personal life and spiritual life.
So, before taking extreme step of partition, take all the above mentioned sincere efforts and then part him if your efforts do not become successful.
Hope you are clear about how to deal if a devotee husband ill treats his wife.
(Why Divorce is not allowed in Indian Scriptures? – A Crystal Clear Explanation! READ HERE!)