Devotee husband is torturing me having immoral friendships. What to do?
A woman devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“please hide my name prabhu ji…im here with a problem…i dont know to whom i should share this problem prabhu ji…i m an ISKCON devotee married to a devotee…we got married three years ago..everything went good first month…after that so many problems started in my life….my husband started giving tantaurams fr everything…i pleaded him to give me time..as i have to adjust…but he continued it. he used to scold me with bad words..that im unable to hear it..i was shocked that a devotee talking like this….slowly i adjusted with everything..i started doing what ever he likes…hoping he will change….he is very good at temple…but he wont talk to me properly….he will always feel irritated by seeing me….he used to compare me with other girls..that im not looking good like them….i was heart broken..but i prayed a lot for him….slowly he reduced doing all these things..but he has a friend who is corrupting his mind prabhu ji…he will always chat with my husband in a different manner…he will always tell that he is missing him…and i just cant tell in what bad language they will chat…by mistake once i saw their conversation…..and i have seen my husband searching about gay things in internet recently….i cant share these things to anyone prabhu ji…so i just messaged u….how my husbands behaviour will change from all these bad things….how can i deviate him from bad friendships…please guide me prabhu ji….i will call him to temple but he wont come with me…but he will be always roaming with his friend….till now we dont have child prabhu ji….he wont share anything with me…about my house matters i will come to know from others…..really it hurts a lot…if i start asking these things to him he will just blast out at me…and two three times he has bet me badly prabhu ji……pls guide me prabhu ji….”
This is very unfortunate. I feel sorry for the serious agony faced by you. I am able to understand how a wife will feel alone and unsafe in this situation. These egoistic males should understand the sacrifice of their wives by coming with them from their parents’ house. These are all acts of immatured devotees. Real devotees won’t do like this.
Your message shows that he is not acting as a normal husband. He is an irresponsible husband who deceives his wife by violating the social norms by having unethical friendship with a male.
He need not be shown mercy for ever. Make some attempts to correct him and if he does not correct, better leave him.
Why I say so? Because, he is having or showing inclination for immoral affairs with his friend.
If he has THIS male orientation, he should have avoided marrying an innocent girl who packs everything for him and come with him leaving her parents.
He has done a blunder mistake. No mercy for this.
However, considering that every human is prone to offenses, we can take some steps to set him right for a period of one year:
(1) First, ensure that you have cooperated for THAT whenever he attempts to HAVE IT. Had you refused, it might have created a vacuum and when someone comes to fill that vacuum, he may include him. So, in case you had refused for THAT, relax that. When you and he have close moments, request him to cut that wrong friendship since you have been gifted by Krishna to him for leading a decent grahastha life with morals. Use that closeness to sweetly counsel him. Do not advise him like a teacher. Do that sweetly during sweeter moments. Make him to think that his wife is the best source for THAT to share and she is also giving that sufficiently and it is permitted by the scriptures. Forget about the rules because you are doing this as a treatment to him.
Continue this for 3 months. If he shows some interest in your closeness and cut his immoral friendship, continue this approach for long till he himself loses interest.
In case he does not show any interest in cutting THAT friendship, take the next step.
(2) Tell his interest in a boy friend to his parents. Request them to guide him. If they are genuine parents, they will take this serious and advice him. Do not hesitate to share this matter with them because you first tried your best to pull him back to your circle confidentially. Only because of failure in that, you are telling them.
In case your husband corrects himself, it is good. Continue to give him close support without much restrictions except ekadasi, Amavasya, festivals, etc.
(3) In case he fails to correct himself even at this stage, take him to a psychiatric specialist who is expert in marital problems. Make him to agree to come to that psychiatrist using your closeness.
However, unless he himself likes to reform himself, he will not agree for this.
(4) Then, make him agree to come to the temple with you. When he needs THAT, tell him that you will GIVE only if he agrees to come to temple with you. He may agree for that. Thus, involve him in devotional path again. Slowly, he will get reformed.
(5) Thus, spend one year with him taking steps to reform him. In case he gets reformed, feel happy. If he continues the interest in violations with his friend, this is the time for you to come out of your house and go to your parents house.
(6) Your absence may make him to review his unhealthy activities. If he promises that he will be NORMAL and lead a responsible life with you, go with him again and continue your close support and warmth to him.
(7) In case he does not correct himself or does not call you within one year, send divorce notice to him. Tell the facts in the court and get divorce and lead a responsible life.
I support divorce in the extreme conditions and I do not encourage that for silly problems and small misunderstandings. If he continues his wrong path even after all your efforts, you can part him. No other way.
Finally, do not consider all the devotees as buddhas or siddhas. They are just practitioners and most of the devotees are not yet relieved from material attractions. Only a section of devotees show maturity and responsibility in both personal life and spiritual life.
So, before taking extreme step of parting him, take all the above mentioned efforts and then part him if your efforts do not become successful.
Hope you are clear about my view.