Grahastha Rule of ONLY ONCE A MONTH relations and Childlessness! – A Case Study!
A woman devotee who requested anonymity asked like this :
“Hare krishna.. I am telling this to you thinking you like my brother. I am the wife of a devotee husband who is not initiated to any guru. Before marriage, I was not a serious devotee, and I thought that the life will be normal like other women. But, after marriage, some brahmachari devotees advised my husband to control desire all the days and have relations only once a month and also they have given negative comments to my husband about women and marriage life. From that moment, my husband lost his interest in such activities and do not involve in any relations with me. As the rule is only once in a month, when we find a right day for that in a month, that day, we have some other assignments. Thus, I am without a child for many years. My question is: why did not these devotees tell these rules before marriage to me and my parents and give us a chance to decide? If the couples should have contacts only once a month on auspicious date only, then, shouldn’t the couples have the mind and situation for that matter on that day? Why those brahmachari devotees give such directions to my husband after marriage? Why not before marriage? Isn’t it like spoiling the dreams of girls while marrying a boy? Now, I am leading an empty life without getting even genuine things from the husband that every normal girl would expect. What are the actual directions of Srila prabhupada in this matter? You enlighten me what the wives have to do in such situations, from sastras and it will help others also to prevent such things in their life. I had no one to ask these things. How can I ask these details from others? So, I trust and ask you, as you alone can guide me correctly”
(Very long Contents have been edited and modified suitable for publication. The spritual various names, places have been hidden)
(I am happy to write this as a brother helping his sister, as it will help 1000s of devotees in future. If you share this reply as much as possible, it may help an innocent woman/ man.)
I felt sorry after reading these details of a few devotees who are unnecessarily confusing the UNINITIATED devotees also. In fact, SUCH IMMATURED & UNTIMELY ADVICE MAY EVEN SPLIT THE MARRIAGES IN SOME FAMILIES. I am replying this with heavy heart to indicate my fellow devotees that preaching is like walking on the edge of the knife. Preaching should be based on practically possible tips, not just dry theoretical.
I have seen some devotees who speak about these grahastha rules, do not follow them in their own life and fall in the hands of maya later.
I have been telling in our site that Krishna consciousness MUST BE preached in a CUSTOMIZED manner to fit for every LEVEL of DEVOTEES. Same theoretical rules can’t be applied as it is in all cases. There are rules for every stage of our life if we like to follow devotional service.
Actually, in the first consideration, the act of those brahmacharis is wrong. Let them have any rules. But, they should have advised the girl also, well before the betrothal, ie, confirmation of marriage. You would have had a choice whether to choose this groom or not. If your husband or the temple seniors had said that ‘the personal interactions’ should be had only once a month after marriage, that too after selecting a perfect day as per astrology, you would have refused this marriage offer, or, would have accepted him after making up your mind for those regulations.
So, over all, these untimely advice have done a great injustice to a young wife by advising to a newly married UNINITIATED husband to restrict relations as ‘only once a month’. They told only to your husband, but did not tell you anything and have hidden everything from you. So, you have been waiting for his love every day. It is very very pitiful for a wife expecting daily for years for her husband to ‘embrace’ her! It is against the human rights also.
Only because of such untimely and uncustomized preaching, there are more separations in the marriages in devotee circles than the outer world.
I like to remind and warn:
ONLY IF BOTH WIFE AND HUSBAND ARE SERIOUS DEVOTEES OF “EQUAL REALIZATION”, THEY CAN FOLLOW THESE GRAHASTHA RULES WITHOUT MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN THEM.
Srila Prabhupada says:
“Formerly, boys and girls of similar dispositions were married; the similar natures of the boy and girl were united in order to make them happy’. (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.21.15)
‘The central idea is that if the boy and girl were on an equal level the marriage would be happy, whereas inequality would lead to unhappiness’. (Srimad Bhagavatam 9.18.23)
“’Marriage and friendship are proper between two people who are equal in terms of their wealth, birth, influence, physical appearance and capacity for good progeny, but never between a superior and an inferior’. (Srimad Bhagavatam 10.60.15)
So, why that boy did not marry the girl in the equal status who knows and ready for these rules? Why did he marry an innocent girl who does not know anything about these rules? If a devotionally serious husband married a normal girl without informing about these rules, definitely there will be challenges in their marital life.
If a male devotee is willing to follow ‘relations’ only once a month, HE MUST INFORM THIS TO HIS FUTURE WIFE AND HER PARENTS WELL BEFORE MARRIAGE. Otherwise he is doing great injustice to a girl who is fighting with sense disturbances.
The same applies to a girl devotee. If she is not interested in THOSE matters, she must discuss with her future husband and his family and inform him that she will follow the rules of ‘RELATIONS JUST ONCE A MONTH’ in her life. Otherwise, she is spoiling the marital dreams of that male devotee.
Informing these rules to a newly married UNINITIATED husband is not good, but highly immatured, I feel. Because, it usually leads to misunderstanding. These matters should be taught to both boy and girl BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Srila Prabhupada says:
“Householder life in this Kali-yuga is extremely dangerous unless both the wife and husband take to Krsna consciousness.” — Srimad-Bhagavatam 6:18:40 Purport
So, only if both husband and wife are in the same status, these Grahastha rules can be applied. Then, why that INTELLIGENT husband applies these rules to this innocent NORMAL wife?
Ok, Past is past. Now, there is no use in speaking about it. Let me speak of solutions now:
Actually, illicit S…X is greatly condemned by scriptures. However, youth are allowed to marry and regulate their senses within marriage if their senses disturb them.
Srila Prabhupada has said that we should avoid living like dogs. That is why, it is advised to marry and regulate the senses.
“The Vedic process of sense gratification is therefore planned in such a way that one can economically develop and enjoy sense gratification and yet ultimately attain liberation. Vedic civilization offers us all knowledge in the sastras, and if we live a regulated life under the direction of sastras and guru, all our material desires will be fulfilled; at the same time we will be able to go forward to liberation.” — (Srimad Bhagavatam 4:22:34 Purport)
Marriage is meant for sense control also, not only for progeny. Srila prabhupada himself says:
“Marriage is like a fortress created by the husband and wife to protect themselves from the powerful enemies of the uncontrolled senses and peacefully make spiritual advancement. ‘The bodily senses are considered plunderers of the fort of the body. The wife is supposed to be the commander of the fort, and therefore whenever there is an attack on the body by the senses, it is the wife who protects the body from being smashed’. (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.14.20)
Ok, Is it that much a rigid rule that one should involve in sex only once a month?
THE COUPLES CAN INVOLVE IN ‘RELATIONS’ EVEN 100 TIMES IF THEIR AIM IS TO GET DEVOTEE CHILDREN. BECAUSE, WE TOO CAME TO THIS WORLD BECAUSE OF S….X ONLY:
Srila Prabhupada says in this discussion on 11.1.1977:
“Ramesvara: They say that when one man has many different women, then that is immoral.
Prabhupada: No, first of all answer. Suppose you are a big man, but you are product of S…X. Are you born differently, or through S…X? What is the answer?
Prabhupada: Yes. S…X is not bad. When it is misused, that is the defect. Otherwise, S…X is not bad.
Ramesvara: The Western conception is that one man can only have one woman.
Prabhupada: Why? If he can produce many big men, he can have hundreds of women. But you cannot do that. Therefore you are restrained. You are bad. You better restrain. Don’t have S…X, because you’ll produce cats and dogs. But one who is able to produce great brain, great philosophers, he should produce hundreds. You do not know how to produce good brain. Therefore you stop! Don’t produce cats and dogs. For you it is “Stop.” You do not know how to use S…X. Therefore you should stop. [break] You should not any more use S…X.
BUT, ONE WHO CAN PRODUCE BETTER BRAINS SHOULD ‘HAVE’ HUNDREDS OF TIMES. You must know how to produce. That is Vedic civilization, dharmah samskara idam…(?) It is not a secrecy, how to produce brain. And because brain is not produced, therefore there is agitation, that they have no brain. They do not know the value of this Krsna consciousness movement. You have been produced like cats and dogs; therefore you cannot appreciate. Therefore you should stop.
But one who has power to produce brain, to produce Krsna conscious children, they should use. Foodstuff is forbidden for a person who cannot digest. One who can digest food, he must eat sumptuously. There is no restriction for him. Food is not bad. One who cannot digest, it is bad for him. This is the conclusion. What is food for one is poison for another. If you cannot use S…X power how to use it for better purposes, you should not use S…X.. [Bg. 14.4].”:
So, in your case, both of them involve in marital relations on good days, ie, avoiding prohibited days like ekadasi, amavasya, festivals, etc. Chant Hare krishna as many times (though the recommendation is 50 rounds) as possible before going to bed and then involve in those acts praying to the Lord to give good child for you.
No need to worry about once a month. Because, your aim is getting devotee children. So, you can produce as many children as possible and give to Lord’s service.
And, usually, the gurus suggest these regulations only to initiated devotees or aspiring devotees. As your husband is not yet initiated and he does not have an immediate idea of getting initiated, those brahmachari devotees need not have said ‘this much’ seriously to your husband.
I know my best friend who is a temple president. He is in a position to recommend the devotees for initiation to a guru. A girl devotee whose marriage is to be held with a non-devotee in about 3-4 months sought his recommendation to the guru for diksha.
That gentleman temple administrator said. (I too was there):
“Mataji. You said that you are going to get married in about 4 months to a non-devotee. If you take initiation now, there will be some restrictions in marital life. You will find it difficult to follow immediately after getting married. First marry that person and make him a devotee. Then discuss with him about these restrictions. If he agrees to follow these restrictions, take initiation after that with the consent of your husband. If you take initiation now and follow restrictions, he may not understand that and there may be strain in relations”
He is the right preacher, I can say. He has saved a girl from misunderstandings in her marriage life. There are some gems of devotees also in our satsangha. When she asked me, I too advised her similarly and saved her from the guilt inn her later life.
Ok, How a husband should treat her wife?
Srila Prabhupada says:
“We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Narayana. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus she becomes beloved and well protected … Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhangani, or half of the body. One cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He must have two sides.” – (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.26.17)
Should we skip marital life and become a sanyasi directly? What is the result of skipping marriage?
Srila Prabhupada says:
“Maharaja Yadu was very eager to engage himself in the Lord’s service, but there was an impediment: during youth the material desire to enjoy the material senses is certainly present, and unless one fully satisfies these lusty desires in youth, there is a chance of one’s being disturbed in rendering service to the Lord. We have actually seen that many sannyasis who accept sannyasa prematurely, not having satisfied their material desires, fall down because they are disturbed. Therefore the general process is to go through grhastha life and vanaprastha life and finally come to sannyasa and devote oneself completely to the service of the Lord.” — (Srimad Bhagavatam 9.18.40)
What Sri Caitanya Maha prabhu says about making grahastha life meaningful?
Srila Prabhupada says:
“Similarly, when a grhastha resident of Kulina-grama asked Lord Caitanya, ‘My Lord, kindly tell me what my duty is and how I should execute it’. The Lord replied, ‘You should engage yourself in the service of the servants of Krsna and always chant the holy name of Krsna. If you do these two things, you will very soon attain shelter at Krsna’s lotus feet” — (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 16.69-70)
Should one quit his family life to do Krishna Consciousness?
Srila Prabhupada refutes this sharply:
“Many people come and inquire whether they have to give up family life to join the Society, but that is not our mission. One can remain comfortably in his residence. We simply request everyone to chant the maha-mantra: Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. If one is a little literate and can read Bhagavad-gita As It Is and Srimad-Bhagavatam that is so much the better. If a devotee follows the instructions of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, he lives in the company of the Lord. Wherever he lives, he converts that place into Vrndavana and Navadvipa. This means that materialism cannot touch him. This is the secret of success for one advancing in Krsna consciousness. “ – (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 7.128-9)
In case a wife needs ‘S…X’, but, if the husband refuses that, it is against his PATHI DHARMA. If the husband needs ‘S…X’, but, the wife refuses to give, it is against her STRI DHARMA. Both Pathi Dharma and Stri Dharma should also be followed by grahasthas. Stri and pathi dharmas say that a husband should give S…X if the wife needs it and a wife should give S…X if the husband needs that. By giving ‘S…X’, the giver will not incur any karma, as he is fulfilling hisdharma as husband. This is the guarentee for husbands.
See, what Srila prabhupada says:
“All women have just one duty or dharma in this world— to serve her husband. When we say all women, then it means all women. It is called stri-dharma (SB 7.11.25-29). For the wife, vivaha is her second birth (dvi-ja) her initiation into Vedic culture. And moving into husband’s house is not just moving into the house, it means she goes to live in the asrama. Who’s asrama? The ashrama of her husband. If husband is qualified, it is grhastha ashrama. If not, it is a grhamedhi life. But it does not matter if husband is qualified or not according to our standard or expectations. He is still the representative of Krishna. Who sent us this husband? Krishna sent him. The wife can still make spiritual progress even if the husband is not a devotee.”
Srila Prabhupada further says:
“If husband wants her to serve him meat, alcohol, S…X, etc, she should serve him. She will not get any reaction for doing that (BG 18.47), because she is doing her dharma (stri dharma); she is following her husband’s instructions, which means she is following her duty.”
Same applies for Pathi dharma also.
Such “acts of S…X” will contaminate the mind. What shall I do?
Some devotees worry that such act even with wife will impurify their mind. Actually, a male’s body can prepare itself to do such acts only if there are some thoughts of S…X. If the man is in a pure state, he can never prepare his body for such acts. So, though they follow all the sastric procedures before those acts, there will be some contaminations in mind. It is inevittable. Until it is with wife alone and for getting devotee children, it is Ok. Only illicit acts are very dangerous.
So, Discuss all these points highlighted by me to your husband when he is cordial. As he is not yet initiated, he can follow the tips given by me through the words of Srila Prabhupada. My advice to both of you is: Only uncontrolled life is prohibited. But, when anyone of you are disturbed by the senses and any of you are unable to control, seek the help from the spouse. It is the right of a wife or husband. Make sure that it is not done on prohibited days like ekadasi, Amavasya, etc. These Garbha dhana are allowed strictly during the night time and before the Brahma Muhurtha time. Other times are sinful. Particularly, evening time is very very sinful. It is the time when Lord Shiva is coming round this earth every day. Chant before going to bed as much as possible.
Only because, both of you have not involved in those acts because of these formalities, you have not conceived for the past many years. Egg forms in the ovary only once a month and if the interaction happens before the release of eggs, it goes waste. So, there should be as much as mating as possible after the 7 days and before 7 days of menstruation. Getting conceived within a single interaction is not possible for all couples. Hereafter, Chant, Pray to Lord and then follow the regular procedures as advised by me on non-prohibited days.
If you prefer, you can ask your husband to read this post. It will definitely change him and remove his fears. Let me too pray to Lord to offer His blessings to both of you to offer a good devotee child. After getting child, invite me and I will try to come in person and bless that child.
THE ‘RESPONSIBILITY’ OF PREACHERS:
I humbly request the young preachers NOT TO ADVISE THESE MATTERS TO THE COUPLES WITHOUT KNOWING THEIR PRESENT SPIRITUAL STANDING. A SINGLE ADVICE WILL NOT BE APPLICABLE TO ALL LEVELS OF DEVOTEES! IF YOU ADVICE THESE RULES TO NEOPHYTE DEVOTEES, THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE MAY END IN SEPARATION. So, Direct them to a senior devotee, who have crossed grahastha life and are well learnt.
Just because we are in this satsangha, we should not preach the same thing to all the devotees. So, my dear devotees, be careful in preaching!
Even when I started this page, I had printed that this site is MAINLY TO ENCOURAGE THE DEVOTEES TO BALANCE BOTH THEIR PERSONAL/ CAREER LIFE WITH SPIRITUAL PRACTICES. This issue is also one among them.
BY ENCOURAGING YOU IN THIS ISSUE, I FEEL THAT THE PURPOSE OF THIS SITE HAS BEEN ACHIEVED. I AM ALSO RELIEVED THAT AN INNOCENT GIRL MAY SEE A NATURAL HUSBAND HEREAFTER.
RIGHT & CUSTOMIZED PREACHING CAN BUILD A HOME; BUT, UN-CUSTOMIZED PREACHING MAY EVEN SEPARATE THE FAMILIES.
So, we, the preachers should be very careful in our preaching!
THE RESULT OF THIS COUNSELLING:
After three months, I got a message from this devotee woman saying that she is pregnant and she had thanked me for giving right advice to her husband that made the things right. Thus, a devotee woman was saved by our counselling and got a child as she wished. Now, it is her duty to cultivate that child as a devotee of Krishna. She will do that, I hope.