If a devotee boy deviates from ethics, Can a girl marry him?
A Girl devotee (Name hidden) asked like this: (Edited to make it brief):
“Hare Krishna. I was in relationship with an initiated boy who holds a high position in the mutt. We used to talk about our future plans after marriage. He once asked me to share his room one day which hurted me and it was more like come here will sleep together. As soon as he said I stopped talking to him much and whole day we didn’t have a word. At night, he texted me that I am weird and he is unable to understand my nature at all.
He told me to ask his spiritual master and spiritual mother that I am a good person. They praise him a lot. They are representative of God and no one can betray them atleast. They know who is right and who is wrong. I said that if your spiritual mother will get to know that someone is saying to an unmarried girl even if they are about to get married to share a room. She will definitely scold you.
He said that he just joked by calling me to share his room.
Prabhuji I agree I did wrong too as I should not have talked to him and plan future plans but genuinely I was serious for him but the way he said to share a room and all that knocked me. Moreover his financial issues also knocked even more. I am feeling guilty. What should I do?”
REPLY:
If a devotee boy speaks in double meaning, it is not a healthy act.
Words play a major role in exposing one’s character.
Though we convey a good message, it should be conveyed using proper words.
A good message conveyed in a bad manner spoils the impact of message itself.
(VAISHNAVA ETIQUETTES EXPECTED FROM THE VAISHNAVAS! READ HERE!)
One of my brother died of heart attack a few years ago in his age of 51.
Of course, he had genuine plans to do for his family of wife and 15 years old son, but his karma took him in that age.
My mother was alive and old then.
It is the great pain for the parents to hear the message of the death of their son/ daughter.
I carried that message to convey my mother.
Had I conveyed the death straightaway, she would have collapsed due to her old age.
I told her:
“Amma (Mother), in this world, the life is very short for all. No one knows when he will leave and how long he can stay here. Some die in childhood; Some in the young age; Some in the middle age and some in the old age. Some cross even the age 100. These are all based on everyone’s karma; Can we change the karma of death? Not possible. See, you are living even in this age of 85. But, your third son………just lost his life. Don’t worry. We have to face these things. Only if we are steady in this situation, we can do the final rituals for him. Since you are the mother of mine who is a matured devotee, you should not cry for that and remain steady like me that will help to do the rituals properly.”
(What are the destinations after death for different religions? READ HERE!)
This way of conveying message reduced her breaking and she managed to face that situation.
Thus, there is a way to convey a message. Even a serious matter can be softened with nice words. And, even a nice matter can be made serious with the wrong way of communication.
When a devotee boy deviates from ethics, that shows that the boy has used the words that are not healthy to be used with a family girl.
He is a devotee who is in a key position in that sathsangha.
Had he asked whether you can come to his room for a while to talk something, we can accept it atleast 50% though it is also not good between a boy and girl who are planning to marry.
Sharing one’s room means it is not the good way of calling a girl before marriage.
(Avoiding & Repenting for violations with women after initiation (diksha)! READ HERE!)
Sharing one’s room does not mean to do something with a girl, but also to stay there for sometime or a day or two.
He says that he did a joke by calling you to share his room.
If a devotee boy tells a girl to stay with him for joking, it is against the dignity of that girl.
A boy, particularly, a devotee boy is in a position to maintain the dignity of a girl who he is planning to marry.
The society is judged by its way how it respects the women community.
Similarly, an individual boy is judged with the way how he approaches and respects the women – atleast within his family and friends.
He might have joked, but such jokes are not healthy between a boy and girl, particularly between a devotee boy and girl.
Though he says that it was just a joke, in case you had visited there and he had lost his balance and something wrong happens due to the attack of maya, it might have been a violation.
And, in MOST cases, once the boy knows the secrets of a girl, his interest in marrying her may come down.
(Can a devotee having past illicit violations get the mercy of Krishna? READ HERE!)
So, it is always safe for a girl to avoid such situations that may give chance to violate.
Because Maya is very strong that may pull even great devotees and sages when they are alone with a girl.
So, what you have done is right. You discussed future plans with him as every girl may try to safeguard her life after marriage.
However, you have feared for chance of violations if you meet him in his room privately, and you have avoided meeting him. That shows your goodness.
However, If a devotee boy deviates from ethics, you might have discussed unwanted things with him in the past. Avoid such talks with anyone.
Now, you can do any one of the two things:
(i) Let us give him a chance. You can tell him to take you to his Guru maharaj. Let him tell his Guru maharaj that he playfully called you to share his room and she took that serious. Hear what that Guru maharaj advices him. Let him advice. If that boy promises to take care of you well after marriage and follow a pure grahastha life, then marry him.
(ii) Or, if he refuses to take you to his guru maharaj, avoid marrying him.
This may be a honest solution for this issue. We have given him chance to reform.
So, you can also come out of your unwanted guilt.
(VIOLATIONS BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS – HOW TO AVOID IT? READ HERE!)