If we stay away from torturing relatives, will it add to our karma?
A woman devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Hare Krishna Anna, My question is about how to stay/behave with family member who are not nice. In my family my husband’s brother and his wife are very rude to my mother in law. They are most selfish people i have ever seen. They will be very nice and good to us when they need us and if we don’t do as they want (even when they are wrong) they will create big drama and will ill treat my mum in law and scream at her and say bad things to us. But me, my husband and mum in-law try and always follow Dharma and try to ignore such behaviour. Karma will fix them well than us. So if we break relation with them or stay away from them. Would there be bad karma? Doesn’t matter how much we fight or explain things to them, they will never accept their mistake. My mum in law has never had peaceful wedding life and we can’t see her suffering anymore. i am her daughter in-law but my husband and i can’t see even his own son hurting her. We just want to give her peaceful life now as she is already 60. Please guide us. I feel bad to keep my family issue out but i need guidance. Hare Krishna”
I am very happy to note that a woman is having this much love and care on her mother in law. Your mother in law is so fortunate to have you as her daughter in law.
(How Detachment for wives possible as she has to develop a family? READ HERE!)
This happens everywhere in joint families. The reason can be jealousy and selfishness in most of the cases.
I have heard that two males may stay together without much issues. But, it is very difficult for two females stay together in a chamber.
Two girls may be helpful and may cope up to each other if they are friends or in student age. However, when they get married, they find it difficult to cope-up with the fellow women.
I do not generalize, but, this is true in many cases. There are some exemptions like you and your mother in law.
(How to serve Krishna in a Quarrelsome family without their support? READ HERE!)
Unless we treat mother in law as our mother herself and vice versa, peace can not exist in that family. Mother in laws have general feeling that the wife of her son has separated her son from her because her son starts to spend more time with his wife for the reasons known to all of us. Before marriage, he would have spent more time with his mother. Now, he has to share his time with wife as well as mother.
This creates ego and enmity on her daughter in law. Hence problem starts between mother in law and daughter in law.
Similarly, if there are two daughter in laws for a women, these two daughter in laws also develop a kind of competitive spirit or ego or enmity among themselves seeing the performance and growth of each other. Since this world is becoming highly competitive and consumer cultured, no one likes to see others grow more than him/ her. Hence these problems. And, some one will do less household works and another will do more. This too may cause problems. If one daughter in law is praised, another daughter in law gets jealousy. So, accusations, indirect words, etc.
These things are natural in human relations in this selfish kaliyuga. So, we have to learn to live with these situations.
(How should a devotee wife live with the people who do not respect her? READ HERE!)
You have two options for this issue of torturing relatives:
(1) Mental detachment:
You can be with them consoling your mother in law and remain mentally detached. Let them speak or do anything. Just keep your ears closed or allow the words to pass through another ear. Just be kind to your mother in law. And, if you are silent without responding to the issues. they will lose their interest in creating issues because of no response.
(2) Physical detachment:
If the situation is serious and not correctable, you, your husband and your mother in law can arrange a new separate home and live together happily. Let others come and go as guests. Some small distance will do good for the healthy relations, in case the people do not seem to correct their attitudes.
Which option is good on the basis of karma?
Consider these two options in the case of torturing relatives.
You will not incur any karma if you follow the first one of the above as you are facing your karma of torture from the relatives silently. That part of your karma will get cleared. So, staying with them and silently facing the karma of tortures is good for you.
Second option is escaping from your karma of facing tortures. So, this part of your karma will remain pending. So, if you escape now, you may have to get similar family of husband in the next birth also.
Hope you are clear about adding karma because of staying away from torturing relatives.
(Daughter or Son – who is responsible to protect the parents to avoid karma! READ HERE!)