Is divorce allowed for illicit affairs? Which books help the devotees?
Four questions from a woman devotee about divorce:
“Hare Krsna Prabhuji, Please hide my name. Thank you for answering my doubt, I have few doubts in that:
1)You say sctiptures do not allow deserting the first wife except if she has extra affairs or if she leaves the home without the permission of husband. Can you explain the two above points.
2) What is adultery and extra marital affairs? Please explain according to scriptures.
3)Even though it is Kaliyuga, a wilful violater of discipline should not be divorced, my parents say this. There is no concept of divorce in scriptures.
4) And lastly, which is the standarised scriptural references in this Kaliyuga, that we can follow to go back to Godhead, without the feeling of guilt of disobedience to scriptures. That is for daily life.
Please clarify them. Thank you for answering all my questions patiently.”
REPLY:
Divorce is allowed in scriptures, but, not the today’s form. In the scriptures, it is mentioned as separation from the spouse.
As far as the family and social rules are concerned, Manu Samhita is taken as the reference scripture. I have given reference from the Manu Samhita from THIS POST and THIS POST in the past.
A man and a woman marry on the platform of mutual trust and purity. When that trust and purity is violated, there is no meaning in retaining the marriage bond.
Marriage means dedicating oneself to the spouse till the death. Though the spouse becomes ill, the other should bear it because there is no fault on the side of the diseased person. Diseases are natural.
But, illicit affairs is not like that. When a wife or husband has secret relations with another man / woman, he/ she is violating the trust of the spouse and the conditions of marriage agreement.
(10 NICE TIPS TO AVOID ILLICIT AFFAIRS AS A REGULATIVE PRINCIPLE FOR KRISHNA DEVOTEES! READ HERE!)
When the spouse has deviated from the loyalty rules of marriage, why should the other person live with that spouse with pains each and every second? Can he / she live peacefully after knowing that the spouse is not loyal to him/her?
Hence the separation is inevittable in such a case of indiscipline and violations.
Another reason is going away from home without the permission of the husband. As per the scriptures, a girl should be under the protection of father before marriage and husband after marriage. Therefore, a girl requires their permission to go anywhere outside her home.
If a girl stays outside for a night without the permission of her husband, it is considered as a violation of the protection. Then, the husband is not responsible for that girl because in case anything happens to that wife, he can’t go and save her since she did not inform him where she goes, before going.
(How Bhagavad Gita & Scriptures were preserved in other yugas? READ HERE!)
We have read in Ramayana about a wife is deserted by a man for staying outside more than a day. For that, that wife asked about how Sita devi was accepted by Rama though she stayed in Lanka for months. This later became a cause for Lord Rama leaving Sita devi in the forest. A king should consider his country as priority, not the family.
Of course, this second cause may be misused because some times, the wife might have gone out for a genuine cause. However, the purpose of that rule is to protect the wife from security threats. Nothing else. When that wife violates it, it was seen as violation of the protection of husband. Hence separation was allowed. However, the wife was allowed to go anywhere after informing her husband. The husband should know her whereabouts. That’s all.
A husband need not live with a wife who has illicit relations. Similarly, the wife need not live with her husband if he has extra affairs. Take some corrective steps for one or two years with kind approach. This is important. If not corrected, he/ she is permitted to leave the spouse. No need to live with him/ her. That is the best punishment for violation of oaths before marriage.
You have asked what the extra affairs are. Extra marital affairs means,
(i) loving someone else even by heart other than spouse. It need not even be sex, but, even lusty thoughts. Once the heart is given, everything is given;
(ii) having sex with a person other than the spouse.
(iii) Allowing the person of opposite gender to touch him/ her beyond a decency limit (or) touching a person of opposite gender beyond the permissible limit.
(iv) Speaking vulgar or double meaning words to the persons of opposite gender.
(v) Exposing the body in front of others.
(vi) Nowadays, involving violations with the persons of same gender is also a illicit and extramarital affair.
All the above six are the important examples for illicit or extra marital affairs. That is why, deep male – female friendships should be avoided after marriage because friendship may turn into attraction at any time and it may become an illicit affair later.
Sita devi did not even see Ravana face to face. She always replied assuming that Ravana has come to the place of Ashoka van where she was sitting. This is the high standard of purity as per the scriptures. However, we can’t maintain that much of purity. So, Once two persons marry, both of them should not even think of any other person with wrong motive. Treating others as brothers or sisters or mother is advised. It is enough for kaliyuga.
Your last question on the scripture to be followed to go back to Krishna:
Just follow the following scriptures that will give you definite success:
(1) Bhagavad Gita – The ONLY scripture having the DIRECT WORDS OF KRISHNA (Purported by Srila Prabhupada).
(2) Srimad Bhagavatam – The ONLY authorized/ bonafide scripture about Krishna (Purported by Srila Prabhupada).
(3) Nectar of Devotion (Bakthi Rasamruta Sindhu) to enhance the devotion and purify ourselves as per the recommendations.
(4) Sampradhaya Scripture: Sri Caitanya Caritamruta to know the kaliyuga avatar of Krishna in the mood of Radharani.
(5) Life histories of the acharyas and pure devotees.
These scriptures are very important to be read and followed to go back to Krishna at the earliest.
Reading or hearing the lectures, letters, etc of your spiritual master and acharya and heartfully chanting the Holy Names of Krishna are very important along with the above reading of literatures.
Reading alone is not enough to go back to Krishna. Chanting and developing material detachment and attachment to Krishna are very important for every devotee.
Hope this helps.
(Inherittance Rights of women in Indian Scriptures & Indian Law! READ HERE! )