What if husband expects his orthodox wife to become modern?
A woman devotee asked like this on condition of anonymity:
“Namaste. I have been married for 11 years, up to 8 years we were a happy family, but from last 3 years my husband thinks that I am not good match for him, as I am from orthodox family and he is modern, just few days ago I came to know that he likes his junior as she matches his wavelength, so he is started liking her and started hating megele, always he tells me that u r not perfect for me so he is unlucky, this words effects me alot so sometimes I think abt suicide, pls help if any mistakes forgive me, pls hide my name”
REPLY:
Very complex situation. Sorry for you. However, you need not lose your hope.
This is now happening everywhere.
The man shows himself as youthful even after marriage. But, his wife’s all the “Self development” activities come to an end after marriage. She has to be loyal to her husband only.
(Making the materialistic wife a devotee of Krishna! 10 Practical Tips! READ HERE!)
But, if an opportunity comes, the husband will have friendship with some other girls/ women. If the wife does the same thing, she is branded as immoral.
Actually, purity is compulsory and common for both husband and wife. If either husband or wife has links with other women or men, they lose their “Prestigeous status” as Husband or Wife.
One-To-One is the first condition for husband – wife relation. Even our law says that a person can not re-marry without the consent of the existing spouse, if the wife is alive and not divorced. If it happens, the husband goes to jail if the first wife complains.
Now a days, the wives are facing very serious things. Some men see adult films in various media. The men and women acting in them are paid and they are doing ANYTHING for money to attract the viewers. But, some husbands expect the same activities of those film actresses from their wives also.
Those wives who are decent in their every approach are dying within heart everyday unable to bear those tortures. They do not like such animal like life. If they refuse, they will receive no support from their husbands.
So, they are crying within heart. Though this is happening among a small section of couples, the % is increasing. So, the women are really treated like animals by such husbands. That is why, the scriptures advise that one should have control in sense related activities.
(Should a wife serve a non devotee husband also? READ HERE!)
In your case, I give two stage solutions if the husband expects his orthodox wife to become modern:
(1)
In addition to being an orthodox / spiritual wife, try to cooperate with husband in all his personal needs whenever he needs that. Actually, the scriptures say that Stri dharma is important for wives. That means, a wife or husband should help the spouse in regulating the senses by extending their co-operation to the needs of the husband.
By giving “that” FOR THE NEEDS OF SPOUSE, the GIVER will not incur any karma. So, try to be modern in that matter. In case, he expects you to wear modern dress instead of saree, you can wear Salwars + Shawls for outside use or ‘Nighties’ for indoor use.
Some consider wearing sarees as orthodox or old fashioned. However, Salwar+Shawl is decent for women compared to a saree and you need not avoid it. A woman should not expose her body to others. That is the objective. If the modern dress does not expose the women’s body and looks decent, nothing wrong in wearing it.
I have seen some wives decorate themselves well in the first 3-6 months after marriage. After that, they do not take care of their body and appearance. But, the husbands always like to see their wives as attractive and neat.
The Scriptures say that a woman should decorate herself well that will attract her husband and they advise that a wife should always keep her husband under her loving control. It is permitted for them. Because, the youth are vulnerable to the deviations if they do not get the “expected things to the expected level” from their spouses. So, the wife or husband should takes good care of the genuine needs of the husband or wife. No dispute in that.
(How to deal if a devotee husband ill treats his wife? READ HERE!)
But, simultaneously, they should allow their husbands to advance in devotion also. That is important. So, Please come a step down from your orthodox position for the sake of your husband. You need not hesitate to become a modern woman WITHOUT COMPROMISING THE DECENCY IN OUTLOOK AND APPROACH WITH HUSBAND ALONE. Mean time, be orthodox with other men. Be liberal to husband as he wishes.
(2) If you succeed in making him to realize by changing yourself as a DECENT CUM MODERN WOMAN, your husband may regulate himself with you only. Then, side by side, involve him in devotion by trying him personally too. After some years, he will forget “THAT” and involve in devotion more.
(3) In case he does not change even after these efforts within one year or two, if it is possible for you, advise him that extra marital relations are selfish relations and they will split once the needs are over. You can inform this to your and his parents at this stage when all your efforts go waste. Let them speak to him and let this matter becomes public.
(4). In case, he does not fear even when his image is at risk, just say GOOD BYE to him and come back to your parents’ home and send a divorce notice. Before that, try to record any of the discussions you and husband made about that lady’s relations. This will help you as a record to get divorce from him.
Is getting divorce offensive? In fact, the scriptures do not support divorce. But, once he violates his husband status by having affairs with another woman, there is no meaning in this marriage. It has already ended naturally. However, you changed your nature for him for one full year and fulfilled his expectations. If he does not change and control himself, why should you worry for him even after giving him many chances? So, you are divorcing the person who lost his husband status already.
So, Say GOOD BYE to that DOUBLE FACED MAN who lives a double life. Your action will indicate him that he can not cheat all at all the times.
What if husband expects his orthodox wife to become modern, the wife can become modern to a decent level only. She need not lose her dignity to show modern to her husband. If the dignity is lost, everything will be lost.
(What if a devotee husband or wife needs more sense gratification? READ HERE!)
TAIL PIECE:
Until a husband is very loyal and caring to his wife only, the wife will be happy to voluntarily serve him. She will enjoy being so for a loyal and caring husband. If he violates, a wife need not be his servant. Why should a wife remain the servant of an unchaste man? It is illogical. He has already lost his status as husband.
A wife is a wife only until she is loyal to her husband. A husband is a husband only until he is loyal to his wife.
This is my conclusion. So, why should you die? Live your own life in one of the ways mentioned by me above.
Everyone in this world is living with different kinds of problems. Accept everything as your karma and lead your life for Krishna if your husband does not change himself. This spiritual life will give you real peace.
This can be the only solution for such issues of husband expecting his orthodox wife to become modern.
(A Devotee wife and Non Devotee husband – How to manage? READ HERE!)