What if the thoughts of Past Sinful acts spoil your future life?
A male devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Haribol Prabhuji. Prabhuji I read your counsellings and feel happy that devotees like you guide neophytes like me.
Prabhuji I want to confess something. I have done many sins many times. I have broken all four regulative principles in my late teens and early 20s. The pain of those sins is so heavy that I am unable to forgive myself. I often beat myself hard for what I have done. I feel all the problems that I am facing is coz of sins I have committed. I don’t complain as scripture says we reap what we sow. When Krishna is there with us why to complain? Krishna is with us even when we are in hell. But, Prabhuji I am afraid of next birth not because of pain and suffering but because of what if I forget these lessons and again I engross myself in sense gratifications and break regulative principles. This pain, guilt, shame, fear, mental pain is too much. I have to take anxiety medicine to reduce anxiety and calm my pain. Prabhuji I am very guilty and often cry in front of Krishna, apologize to him for the sins, begging him not to leave my hand ever, always give me pure budhi so that I don’t forget him. Still, pain is heavy. I am unable to do anything. Guilt has ruined everything. I am unable to focus on my health, my relationships with my family members, I hate boys now to the level I can’t share but I know my parents will get me married anyhow I have that shame too and pain that I am not pure and have betrayed my husband, I have ruined my career and now I am scared that what if those boys I was with try to contact with me in this fear I don’t start anything in social media also though I have talent, I don’t even present myself anywhere I don’t comb my hairs as a punishment that I don’t deserve to look beautiful, I feel I don’t deserve any happiness in life and deserve so much suffering that no one deserves. Prabhuji all this has made me crazy. It’s been more than 15 years. Prabhuji pls help me. I am unable to carry on this pain now.”
REPLY:
This type of spoiling the life is unnecessary.
In every age, we commit some violations/ mistakes. Many act like the 20 years old persons in their age of 30 or 35.
They may not have maturity in the age of 20 to behave like the persons of the aeg 35.
(VIOLATIONS BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS! HOW TO AVOID IT? READ HERE!)
In most cases, Realizations and Reformations come only after commiting violations/ sins.
If we have suitable maturity and realization according to every age, we will not commit violations.
From your mail, I understand that you committed some violations in your teen age – 13-19.
This teen ages involve adolescent ages also. You won’t have any strong opinion about which is good or bad. So, most of the violations of the boys and girls happen in this age only.
Only if we have any strong pulling force, we can escape ferom facing such violations.
Strong pulling forces include strong devotional background & practices, highly cultured family atmosphere with less interference of external persons, etc.
In such cases, the boys and girls are somehow able to escape from violations.
I have written in many places that only not realizing our violations/ offenses is wrong.
(Using intoxicants or other Violations while chanting – Will Krishna accept? READ HERE!)
If we realize that we have committed a violation and resolve not to do that again in life, that means, we are eligible for getting pardon for past violations.
If we continue our violations adamantly knowing that it is sinful, we can’t get pardon.
Ok, you have committed some violations in your innocent age. Some people might have been affected by you.
If those persons are still alive and accessible, just go to them and seek their pardon and then pray for their welfare from your heart to Krishna.
If they are not accessible, seek apology to Krishna. Though it is not equal to seeking apology from the concerned person, something is better than nothing.
Then, stop sinning in letter and spirit. Also resolve in front of the deities or pictures of Krishna that you will never violate so in future in any situation.
After doing so, be relieved. Untill you don’t restart your violations, you will receive the mercy of Krishna.
You need not spoil your future life thinking of past violations. I understand that you feel guilt. But, as said by me above, in every age, we tend to commit some violations and regret later.
Except a few, most others do not plan to commit violations. When a certain favourable situation arises, such violations happen.
Or, as said by Krishna in Bhagavad Gita Ch-14, the three gunas influence all human actions, thoughts, and behaviors, affecting our consciousness and adding karma for us.
(Is following devotion & also having sexual addictions wrong? READ HERE!)
Thus, such violations happen because of the domination of Rajo and tamo gunas. Your satva guna makes you feel for that later now.
Thus, we are pushed into violations thru our gunas. In otherwords, Krishna says that only our gunas act, not we.
So, we are committing violations helplessly, induced by the modes of material nature, ie, Gunas.
Once we realize, we should apply our satva guna and seek pardon from the affected persons and the Lord too and then avoid such violations totally in future.
This will bring the mercy of Krishna again.
So, stop spoiling your future life, be like a fire in future and burn all your violations with the power of chanting, worship and other sadhanas.
Best of luck.
(Can a devotee having past illicit violations get the mercy of Krishna? READ HERE!)