I fear to marry because of my past violations! Am I eligible for marriage?
A Girl devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Anna when I was too young I was deeply interested in love. Even got physical twice with two lovers at different time of my life. It was shattering me back then but I felt this will keep them with me as my father had been non supportive and used to abuse me physcially so I needed someone. I used to feel he will surely marry me and support me emotionally and will be there with me. I shared this with one friend and instead of understanding my pain, he tried to take advantage of my situation. I denied and after it I stopped talking to him at all.
Anna, all these love affairs that I had, left deep impact upon me. I know I did very wrong, I am most sinful and I am ashamed that each night I beg for forgivness from Krishna. I get severe anxiety attacks no one knows about. Pain of these sins is unbearable. I am not financially stable, I feel scared to apply for job or do business in fear what if those boys get to know and try to contact again or defame me or something. Though now they are happily married but still I even get scared to get married in fear what if my husband gets to know about all this. I even get scared what if someone has some picture, video or something. Though it’s been more than a decade. None of them have tried to contact me except one and that too very decent and I have blocked him too from every where but this thought really scares me.
Idk my life is a mess. I am unable to focus on my devotional services nor my career nor my health. Whole day I am just overthinking and get panic attacks in fear of what if this happen, that happen. I even think what if I am married and those guys turn to be some distant relatives or anything. Anna I have transformed my life alot. But, that pain is fresh.
Anna can’t I get mercy of Krishna? Won’t he accept me despite having dark past? Anna I really get scared of my future. Nor I am able to get married nor I am able to do some work in fear of defamation or something bad. How will my life be? Right now sometimes I feel I will marry and will be chaste wife but then again I feel scared and some sort of pain is there and somehow I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust even my parents at times.
Is it okay if I decide to remain unmarried throughout my life and stay with my parents? I know girls need someone but what can I do? I have ruined my everything. I have ruined my life. I pray to Krishna that in my next birth pls keep me away from everyone and make me your pure devotee. But, what can I do now? There is no one who can guide me nor I can share my pain with anyone. I am tired fighting each day, every second now. I want to live my life thinking about Krishna in peace.”
REPLY:
Some unwanted things have happened in the past.
I don’t want to dig into those events.
We have to think what to do next.
There is a saying: “Forget the past happenings, but always remember the lessons taught by them”
This matches you now.
You have committged some violations with two boys out of insecurity because of your family background.
This is also a lesson for the parents!
If they don’t show sufficient love for their children, they may go to anyone among his friends or neighbours or even strangers who show artificial love to him with motives.
One or few of them may use that girl for their lusty needs by showing abundant artificial love using colourful words.
This girl too fall into their hands and lose her dignity.
Had her parents showed sufficient love for her, she won’t have gone out of their control or circle.
Their genuine love for her will always keep her feeling safe.
But in your case, your parents have failed in their duty of giving a safe environment to their daughter.
So, you felt the inertness without getting love.
Two boys made use of your longing for love and made you fall.
You have sought remedy from another cheater boy for your past pains.
This boy made use of your innocence and used you on his part.
You are telling thatg one of them is a decent guy.
How can a boy who used the innocence and helplessness of a girl to spoil her dignity be a decent boy?
This shows that you are very weak in judging others.
A girl should be wise to protect herself. If not, she can’t live in this world safely. She will always be at the risk of getting targetted by such lust hungry boys.
Ok, What to do now?
It is not good to keep thinking of the past events throughout your life.
Many devotees in many satsanghas were once big sinners or violators.
Even Valmiki who wrote Ramayana was once a robber/ thief.
Just because he met Sage Narada, with the power of his association, he got reformed and became eligible to write Ramayana.
There is a popular saying that one should not analyse the mistakes and violations of a sanyasi done in his purvashrama as a brahmachari and grahastha.
Now, after becoming a sanyasi, he is following purity to his best. So, he is to be treated as a good sanyasi.
If we start to filter the sanyasis based on their activities in their previous ashrama as grahastha or brahmachari, no one will be found as a pure sanyasi.
Because, everyone might have committed some mistakes and violations in their past.
On this basis, you are crying and feeling for your past violations.
This realization itself makes you eligible to get pardon from Krishna and get His mercy.
First step of getting out of past violations is feeling guilty for those violations.
The process recommended by me for such violations is simple.
Just go in front of the deities or pictures of Krishna.
Feel for your past violations and shed a few drops of tears and tell Krishna like this:
“Krishna, I have knowingly committed some physical violations. Now, I feel guilty for those past violations. From this moment, I resolve that I will never violate in my lifetime. Please forgive my past violations. Please give me more interest and opportunities to serve you. Please protect me from future fall downs as I feel in my past.”
After praying like this, follow the resolutions in letter and spirit in your lifetime.
Then marry a good devotee boy from an outstation town/ city that is very safe since your violators are and lead a loyal life with him.
He should feel that having got you as his wife is an arrangement of Krishna. Serve him that much. Live for your husband. Give all helps and spports to him. Make him happy.
Follow purity till you live in this body.
After doing these remedial steps, start working for you and Krishna.
Get a job and be with the people. And, involve in devotional practices sincerely and make this life spiritually successful.
Don’t think of past again. Just carry the lessons you learned from the past violations and leave the pain caused in the past thinking of those violations.
Most of the current devotees may have some mistakes and violations in their past. They are just serving Krishna and His devotees and getting cleansed.
You too are fully eligible to get cleansed and to get the mercy of Krishna.
So, instead of wasting every day in this life, start taking purifying steps in life.
Instead of fearing whether the past violators with you may expose you.
They have settled with their wives. So, their family responsibilities have got diverted to their own families.
If you still have some fear, marry a boy from any city that is hundreds of kms away from your current place and settle there permanently.
This will put an end for everything.
No neeed for any fear to marry because of past violations! You too are eligible for marriage after getting reformed as explained above.
Best wishes.
(How to overcome the tendency to commit Physical violations? READ HERE!)