Is expecting Gratitude from others for helping recommended for devotees?
A male devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Hare Krishna Prabhu..my humble obeisance to u… thanq for all your counsellings…I changed alot n learned alot iam wiping out all my negatives day by day…u r saving so many materialistic persons like me..thanq very much..prabhu I have 1 problem…plz reply whenever you are free if u feel that it is not urgent…if I have some work and at the same time if others ask me for help..I’m not able to help sometimes.. due to that I feel guilt and bad for not doing help…I also feel so depressed..ok now if I do the help..some people are taking advantage of that and asking the help everytime without putting their efforts and making me burden even some close friends n close relatives do that…I don’t know what to reply whether to say yes or no..i cannot say no to them as they are close friends and are close relatives..and if I say no to them I fear that in future they may not help me if Im in critical position as I did not do help now..I also fear about thier talking of bad about me as I didn’t help them.. whenever I got this situation I feel severly frustrated always and either I do d help silently by sacrificing my work by saying good words to myself or I will tell a lie to escape from the situation even if I have no work..and again for that lie and helplessness I again feel guilty and depressed. I’m not able to satisfy all n I feel the burden n frustration if any thing happens like this.. n I have the problem of hesitation to tell the exact point to anybody in the fear of what others may think of me.. i feel like hell n plz guide me prabhu.. how to deal with this type of situations..how to tell the exact point with out hesitation n softly without hurting others..n how to come out of this frustration…thanq prabhuji hare Krishna…”
REPLY:
This is natural in this selfish kaliyuga.
Expecting Gratitude from others for helping IS NOT POSSIBLE from all the people now a days.
The people may get your help and support. But, they will not actually feel how important it is at that time.
I know a boy. His father gave his son normal education in a government aided private school that is popular as a school for middle class people. He admitted his daughter in a girls school that is popular for its quality of education. Though the fee is more in that school, she got admission for a very less fee since she had got state level rank in her tenth standard board exams.
Now, the girl is married and settled in the U.S. The boy too studied Engineering and got very good job in a popular IT company.
Now, he very often accuses his father that he too would have been in the U.S had the father admitted him in a still better school.
The girl got admitted in that popular school for her ranks. He got that Government aided school for his marks. What can the father do?
Now, the son is accusing his father in his old age.
This is the nature of today’s people. Expecting Gratitude from others for helping may mostly not happen.
Many people do not even show their gratitude for their parents for all they have done so far by giving good and safe shelter, food, clothes, education, etc.
Some children elope with a boy or girl if they fall in love, forgetting all the support given by the parents till their age of 20-25.
Their new companion becomes important to them.
So, to remain peaceful for our own goodness, if we help others, we should not expect that they should reciprocate it. If we expect reciprocation or gratitude, we will not get it from all. Only a few will show them.
And, help means, doing without expectations. If we expect, it is a deal, not a help. So, expecting Gratitude from others too is not good for devotees.
(Why should we worship Krishna as He does not help and prove Himself? READ HERE!)
However, there is a karma based explanation for this matter:
TRANSFER OF KARMA IN HELPING OTHERS
I am going to share a major secret in the karma theory.
The following few lines are meant for those who help with expectations:
When we help genuine people WITH SOME EXPECTATIONS, they accept part of our bad karma. We accept part of their good karma. So, our problems come down.
When we help wrong people WITH SOME EXPECTATIONS, we accept new bad karma of helping the sinner to continue his sinful acts. They acquire new bad karma for cheating a good person.
How this happens?
Good people in genuine needs receive our bad karma if they get our help without compensating for the same.
When we help a wrong person, we help them to do more wrong things. So, we are acquiring new bad karma.
When we help a good person, we help him to do more good things. So, we share the good karma from their good activities.
That is why, the scriptures advise us to help anyone only after evaluating whether he is doing good activities or not.
Krishna Himself tells in Garuda Purana that one should donate only to the good brahmanas who use our support for good activities. If we donate to a Brahmana having bad motives and activities, that help will have no effect.
(WHAT ARE THE RULES OF DHAAN (DONATING) TO GET THE MERCY OF KRISHNA? READ HERE!)
HOW TO AVOID KARMA TRANSFER EVEN IN MATERIAL HELPS?
Yes. There is a way. Though it is difficult, there is a way. Help like a machine that has no feelings. Simple.
Follow this:
IF WE HELP A GENUINELY NEEDED PERSON AS NISHKAM, ie, WITHOUT EXPECTING ANY FRUITS OR HONOURS, NO KARMA TRANSFER HAPPENS. KARMA TRANSFER WILL NOT HAPPEN ONLY WHEN WE ‘MATERIALLY’ HELP OTHERS WITHOUT EXPECTING GRATITUDE OR ANYTHING FROM OTHERS.
HELPING FOR DEVOTIONAL SERVICE
Let us take our Devotional Service as an example.
All of you know well that our site is changing the lives of thousands of people making them devotees or helping them to be in touch with Krishna. It is a very auspicious and devotional service.
So, the supporters of this devotional service share the blessings of the Lord that I receive. So, their bad karma comes down and a part of their karma comes to me for preventing them from doing sinful acts. I am vigorously chanting for clearing my accumulated karma.
(DOES A DIKSHA GURU OR SIKSHA GURU ACCEPT THE KARMA OF DISCIPLES? HOW? READ HERE!)
How bad karma is transferred to me? You know well that there may even be some unqualified followers who are having violations in the life. Still they are benefited by our sites. This adds karma to me.
However, to serve good, suffering and even the sinful people, the gurus and also the preachers should chant vigorously to nullify their acquired karma.
So, actually, the devotees should see the gurus and the preachers like me mercifully because preaching involves sharing of karma.
Does it happen in all cases?
No. Not all the followers realize this secret that the preachers like me too are suffering because of karma. Some persons treat this service as the duty for the preachers and I am doing this just for our popularity.
Though we consider it as done for popularity as said by them, how can they refuse that the preachers and gurus are adding karma out of this activity?
So, whether it is done as a service or for popularity, helping others adds either good or bad karma to us. How?
MATERIAL AND SPIRITUAL HELP – DIFFERENCE
If the recipient is a devotee and they are supporting a vaishnava in his devotional service, the blessings of the Lord is also shared to them in addition to his good karma.
So, it is clear that a preacher, Siksha & Diksha Gurus are adding both good and bad karma from others.
So, the supporters too receive, ie, share the blessings of the Lord shown to our service.
I am automatically and silently transferring the blessings of Lord received by me to them. Thus, even the preachers who are involved in the service of the Lord receive the karma of the followers. In the same way, a guru who is reforming a disciple receive his karma and suffer.
By expecting Gratitude from others and support from every follower of this service, I may have to come down from my standing and I can’t do this service at all. I will be tensed and stop this service.
So, I myself is running this service without expecting any personal benefits or respects or worship. I just do this as a service to the Lord and I give opportunity for others to share the benefits from Krishna out of this auspicious service by supporting it to their level possible. Thus, I reduce my own received blessings and share them with others.
This is the secret behind accepting the support from others.
(How Krishna helps us through the people, not directly? READ HERE!)
The points mentioned by you are very normal that reflects the mindset of the present society.
In your case, I will not advise you to help only the persons who will show gratitude. My only advice to you is to help only the genuinely needy people without any material expectations. This will invite the blessings of the Lord.
If you help a person who has a grown up son, by going to ration shop, it is your fault. They have a son. They can send him. If they send you, that means, they are misusing your innocence.
If you help a person who faced accident, it is genuine though he is a sinner because you can’t access his credentials and he needs immediate support. If you help a person who have good health and wealth, it is your fault.
As said already somewhere, I always give material help only those who have no vision, no clear brain (mentally challenged), and old people who can’t work and who were deserted by their children or relatives. I do that nishkam, ie, without expecting benefits back.
And, I support for the devotional services and use a part of my earning for that. This is done as my duty.
If any visually or mentally challenged person seeks my help, I do not calculate. I help them liberally and never think of or feel proud of having helped them. So, I do not receive any karma from them.
(What is the right way of donating for charity and beggars? Can we gift old clothes? READ HERE!)
If anyone cleverly pretends to you as if he genuinely needs your help and if you support him, he will receive the bad karma of cheating a good person like you. So, you need not bother about the pretenders. However, TAKE SOME EFFORTS FOR EVALUATING HIS GENUINE INTENTIONS TO YOUR BEST.
Blindly helping others without evaluating why he seeks our help is not advisable in this kaliyuga, though they are your relatives.
After helping this way to the right people, do not evaluate it, but forget it. Do not carry it in your mind. Expecting Gratitude from others for helping is not recommended.
If others seek your help, gently tell them that you have some other assignments to do. Do not bother if such clever people desert you for not helping them. Such clever people will not help you in future. Don’t worry.
Learn to say NO to the clever persons having ill motive. It is also an art.
It is always better to teach others how to catch the fish, instead of giving them the fish again and again. They will be always getting and become lazy. So, guide them to come out of their situation. This is the real help we can do for others.
This is the only way for peace in this kaliyuga.
(How to remain peaceful in life in this material world? READ HERE!)
WHAT DESIRE A DEVOTEE SHOULD HAVE?
YOUR DESIRE SHOULD BE FAVOURABLE TO GO BACK TO KRISHNA. You can support the temples and devotional services with the expectation of the MERCY of Krishna to you to serve Him better. This is the BEST DESIRE expected from the devotees who like to advance in devotion. Krishna will make the life of that devotee as comfortable to follow devotion still better.
If a desire will pull you back from your devotion to Krishna, you should avoid that. Expecting favour for our help adds karma to us. So, we should avoid that.
Follow these three:
(1) Helping the needy people without expectations (Nishkam), (2) Performing our assigned duties without attachments and (3) serving Krishna and helping those who serve Krishna.
Your life will be meaningful and successful.
Help the devotional services to the Lord without expecting Gratitude. It is always protected from karma and you receive the blessings of the Lord.
Hope you are clear about expecting Gratitude from others.
(In Kaliyuga, How to follow Nishkam bhakti without asking help from Krishna? READ HERE!)